7 Steps to Using A Dishwasher That Will Make Your Girlfriend Leave You
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Domestic bliss can be a fragile mistress. Whether it’s a case of mismatched lifestyles, financial stress, or household chore disputes, having a live-in girlfriend can be a woeful experience for many. Avoid these hard-to-navigate pitfalls by un-following our step-by-step guide to using a dishwasher in a way that will cause your girlfriend to leave you.
Alternately, if you’re ready to spread your wings once again into the warm, cloudless skies of bachelorhood, follow these fail-proof instructions to drive away your missus so fast you’ll be ordering a large pizza-for-one and watching reruns of Cheers in no time. Either way, you’re welcome.
Step 1: Play Dirty
Open up the dishwasher, remove all the dirty dishes and place them on the counter, leaving them there indefinitely. Walk away.
Step 2: I'll Cut You
If a dog can load the freakin' dishwasher, humans should be able to do it, too, but you'd be surprised how often people eff this simple act up, and we're guessing your girlfriend's one of them. Give her a taste of her own medicine by loading the knives handles down, serrated edge up. Stand back and wait for the screams.
Step 3: Give Her The Boot
Take your dirty camping boots, along with all your friends' dirty boots, and place them in the bottom and top racks. Don't turn on the washer, just set and forget.
Step 4: Dish It Out
After the dust settles, and the requisite arguments are had, gather all the special bowls, mugs, kitchen appliances, and glassware that says "Not Dishwasher Safe" and put them in the dishwasher. Be sure to run an extra long cycle.
Step 5: Go Fish
Invite your in-laws and closest friends over for your girlfriend's birthday dinner. Prepare a sous-vide main course of salmon and venison using the steam setting on the dishwasher, leaving whatever dirty dishes were already in there, for maximum flavor.
Step 6: Stage A Diversion
Let your girlfriend clear dinner and clean random chunks of under-cooked meat out of the dishwasher while you show the in-laws how good you've gotten at juggling grapefruits.
Step 7: Put The Nail In The Coffin
Do one more round of boot cleaning after your girlfriend repeatedly told you not to, and that should about do it. (We knew we could get there in less than seven moves.) Unless you count the last step as the one your girlfriend takes when she walks out the door.