Fentanyl Vape Pen Next Hot Trend Yet to Be Discovered, Early Retirement Guaranteed to All Who Enter

High school is boring. That’s how kids discovered the wonders of sucking on a whipped cream canister, downing a half bottle of Robitussin, and sniffing varnish to pass the time. And with every generation, a new mind-altering hobby emerges to become the last line of defense against soul-crushing boredom. Accordingly, fentanyl vape pens have taken up the mantle as the next hot trend. But like licking a random toad in the jungle, is it really such a great idea?

In Central Pennsylvania, a Mifflin County High School discovered not one, but three fentanyl-laced vape pens floating around campus. The discovery was made after a student suffered a life-threatening seizure after puffing a pen that tested positive for Goodfella (that’s a fentanyl nom de plume for the old folks in the back).

Luckily, the student was revived, but the faculty remain scared shitless. Why? Because fentanyl is so deadly, and street dealers lack the sophisticated dosing system of say, a Jesse Pinkman, it’s only a matter of time before someone gets KO’d.

Hey, don’t get us wrong. This isn’t a Nancy Reagan moment. We like partaking in shenanigans just as much as the next person. But hitting a fentanyl vape pen is like saying you like fire and then instead of roasting a marshmallow, you douse yourself in gasoline and jump into a volcano.

We get it. Boredom is a killer. But everyone who’s survived it (high school) knows is that what seems like an eternity of social and spiritual imprisonment will soon become a distant memory to be looked back on with a foggy mixture of fondness and regret. So if you really want an early retirement from that, don’t puff fentanyl. Just drop out and start selling bootleg DVDs in the parking lot of a Taco Bell. You’ll thank us later.

Cover Photo: AND-ONE (Getty Images)


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