Meanwhile in Florida: New Law Proposes Bible Ban in Schools, Critical Jesus Theory Is Out

Florida Man is getting a rebrand. Gone are the days of boxing alligators, cartwheeling away from cops, and getting trapped in unlocked closets. There’s a new Florida Man in town and he means business. Inspired by a new law allowing books to be banned in schools, he’s pivoting toward redemption with the holy grail of ironic retribution: a bible ban.

In March, Governor Ron DeSantis explained the bill by saying, “Parents became exposed more to what was going on in some of the schools [during the pandemic]. So they became more interested in making sure that, one, their kids weren’t being forced to do things like [wear] masks.”

He never went on to make his second point (likely because Florida lawmakers have already removed 54 math books for allegedly containing references to Critical Race Theory). So Florida Man Chaz Stevens went ahead and made it for him.

Stevens is the author of the bible ban petition currently acting as the headwind in conservative lawmakers’ pissing contest. Citing seven main concerns about the contents of the Good Book, including references to murder, adultery, and drunken orgies, Stevens laid out his request. “Do we really want to teach our youth…to dash babies against rocks?”

We dunno, Stevens. WWJD?

While his petition has circulated more than 35 times within the bureaucratic chambers of the school district, Stevens predicts his divine request will ultimately land on deaf ears. “My job is merely to turn hypocrisy on itself and let the bureaucrats eat each other for lunch.”

Amen, brother.

Cover Photo: selimaksan (Getty Images)