Cell Phones May Cause Early Alzheimer’s, Perfect Excuse For Why We ‘Forgot’ to Call You Back

When life gives you Alzheimer’s, make lemonade. (Or something like that.) Hey, we like to look at the bright side of things. Identity theft? Flattered. Girlfriend just left us? Now we have more time to spend eating canned fish for dinner. Lost a leg in a boating accident? Amazing. Just saved 50 percent on all future purchases of pants.

That’s why we’re stoked about a new study that suggests electromagnetic fields from our cell phones may be responsible for the rapid rise in Alzheimer’s disease. Because now we have an ironclad excuse for being a shitty communicator and ghosting every single person we never called back.

According to a new study from Washington State University, radiation from smart tech leads to an increase in intracellular calcium buildup in the brains of animals. And while calcium is great for bones, apparently it’s not so good for the thinky meat in your noodle.

Author of the study Martin L. Pall says, “EMFs act via peak electric and time-varying magnetic forces at a nanosecond time scale” and can be found in “cell phones, smart meters, smart cities, and radar in self-driving vehicles.” Any of which “may produce the ultimate nightmare – extremely early-onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Pall also noted that over the past 20 years, Alzheimer’s has begun affecting people in their 30s and 40s. This rise in digital dementia coincides with the increase of widespread EMF radiation via wireless connectivity

Ironically, you’re probably reading this on a cell phone right now. Don’t freak out. Use it to your advantage for things like Mother’s Day, Christmas, and second dates. And if cognitive health is a concern, don’t worry. Life in the metaverse will take such little brainpower, you can still have a perfectly fulfilling existence communicating solely via cat GIFs dementia be damned.

Cover Photo: DjelicS (Getty Images)

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