by Adam Rocke
Cover Image: Mario Tama / Staff (Getty Images)
Do you hate Russian dictators? Hey, us too! Now if only there was a good use (or 15) for someone like Vladimir Putin, the way pit bulls might be better suited for chasing ground squirrels on a farm up north, as opposed to chasing your toddler on an empty stomach.
Sooner or later, the KGButthole of our incessant daily news intake will gasp his last breath. Preferably sooner, today is actually real good. And since dead Russian dictators are a terrible thing to waste, we thought it best to upcycle (wouldn’t take much) and reuse Putin to the best of our ability, especially with Earth Day and World Oceans Day upon us.
While composting is not a strong suit for many of us novices, there are a number of simple ways to take a useless piece of shit and make it into a useful, everyday amenity for the average American, as well as plenty of people around the world.
Here are 15 perfectly practical uses for Vladimir Putin’s corpse, in no specific order:
15. Dog Park Pissin’ Post
Just jam an iron rod up his keister, plant him upright and let every dog have its day and way with him. If nothing else, you could bury him and watch him spring up into a big poisonous bush 30 years later. Yeah, let’s go with piss post.
14. Proud Boys Target Practice
No self-respecting White Nationalist uses ho-hum bullseye targets on their shooting range. If they’ve shot the eyes out of their Biden target to the point it’s unrecognizable, maybe give them a fresh new face to take their microaggressions and toxic masculinity out on. But we all know what’s going to happen, they’re just going to have sex with it.
13. Celebrity Punching Bag
Rumor has it Will Smith prefers punching bags that don’t hit back. Or press charges. But super-egos and sociopaths surrounded by ‘yes, do that’ people need to reign in their crazy these days. What better way to improve the human race than to become the overpriced, overhyped personal gym feature attraction for these entitled celebrities who gave their balls to their wives long ago. But you know what’s going to happen, they’re just going to have sex with it.
12. Mini Golf 18th Hole Obstacle
Putting a ball into the clown’s mouth on the last hole of your favorite putt-putt course is so 20th Century. Why not shoot the ball into the gaping butthole of a once-living tyrant who can shoot his venom at you when you finally do make it past those powdery white nationalist lips.
11. Set Decoration on The Walking Dead
Jumper cables and a car battery will result in instant re-animation. Luckily for him, it’ll be a one-and-done zombie dismemberment, but it will at least give us the satisfaction of some kind of death now that The Walking Dead doesn’t really kill its cast off anymore. I mean, that’s the whole reason we hate-watched it for 11 years.
10. Armie Hammer’s New Best Friend
Does this one really need an explanation? Yes, it does. Armie Hammer, if you recall many news cycles ago, was accused of cannibalism and involvement in some family sex saga. Who hasn’t, right? Long story short, Armie needs some fresh meat, and we prefer he not use an upstanding citizen when he could rid the world of any evidence this man ever existed.
9. Nyotaimori Sushi ‘Table’
Plucking strips of raw fish off a nude model is bound to be a #MeToo nightmare, but who’s gonna object to defacing a dead Russian war criminal? Sure, the likely entree will be a blowfish and other poisonous jokes, but it’s a meal you can dine out on with your friends until they, too, are dead.
8. Rockefeller Christmas Tree Stand-In
Why chop down a perfectly healthy fir tree when you could hang your most cherished memories on a big dead Vlad? Most people overpay in crowded tree lots, but some people travel far and wide to hunt for the perfect tree, usually losing a family member along the way. This year, let’s all just gather around the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, but in the spirit of Christmas and conservative use of waste, let’s be Putin up a Rockefeller Christmas?
You see what we did there.
7. Scarecrow for Steven Seagal’s Garden
Guaranteed to keep the Spetsnaz away. More like whatever keeps Steven Seagal entertained or distracted enough to never make another feature film again. Maybe porn, he could porn. Putin porn, it’s cumming.
6. Speed Bump for the Ukrainian Embassy’s Driveway
Oh, the irony. But maybe let’s avoid being exclusive about this and have it be a speedbump all Ukrainians can drive over, walk over and defecate on. That’s the only way this war makes any sense, and even then, not really.
5. Life-Size Pez Dispenser
Donald Trump Jr.’s kids are sure to play with this one, right after building ghost AR-15s and shooting more endangered animals. Here’s an idea: Vlad can be the dispenser, but when his mouth opens, all the legal documents Trump has hidden from the Jan. 6 Committee come out.
4. Children’s Birthday Party Stand-In
If we get invited to one more kid’s birthday party, we’re going to lose it. Seriously, what happened to all our friends’ fun parties, and what the fuck are all these people’s names? In fact, we might want to keep him alive long enough to torture him with our living hell.
3. Bait For Pedophiles
How do we feel about dressing him up like a small boy and setting a trap for would-do-gladly sex offenders? Pretty good? Great. There’s only one thing this world needs less of than Putin, and that’s traffic. So let’s get as many people who even remotely consider looking in his direction off the streets.
2. Statue in Manhattan’s Central Park
While the Statue of Liberty is a total babe we can never get enough of, you should never waste a good Russian dictator corpse, especially so close to Earth Day. Let’s just hope they don’t put him in a skirt for little boys to discover what their manhood will one day look like. It’s not even a realistic comparison, considering the baby dick a nuclear power must have.
1. Trophy for Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s Man-Cave
Even if Zelenskyy isn’t a hunter with a wall of taxidermy trophies, this is the only mount he’ll ever need. And he’ll put it in the most appropriate spot in the house, above the bed, where he can pound away at his hot wife while staring into this dead-eyed psycho with pride.
Those are the babies we want to see get made.
Weird News 3.15.22
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