China Vows to ‘Purify’ Internet Before Beijing Olympics, Forgetting There Would Be Nothing Left

When it comes to hating porn, nobody does it better than the Chinese government. But these days, it looks like nothing is safe from the great wall of censorship. From celebrity nudes to online gaming, China has doubled down on its destruction of the dark web and all that is unholy. And for the next two weeks, China’s top cybersecurity agency is going all out to finish purifying the internet before the start of the Beijing Olympics.

But before you go all judgmental on China, consider that the plan to eradicate all modern entertainment sounds super sweet on the surface. Because at the heart of President Xi Jinping’s strategy to control the internet while hosting the Beijing Olympics in a display of military might is a simple dream. To create a “positive online atmosphere” by censoring search trends, media sites, news coverage, and celebrity TikToks.

The ambitious cleansing also hopes to scrub immoral rumors, overt celebrations, celebrity comebacks, effeminate style, plus-sized people, and public displays of horniness. (When did China become the Catholic church?)

Speaking of which, we all know what happens when repression becomes a lifestyle. Like toxic magma, it quietly smolders under the surface for years until one day it explodes in a fiery kaleidoscope of self-hatred and destruction. But at least for now, there’ll be gratuitous figure skating and push notifications about seven happiness smile time froyo.

Two very respectful thumbs up.

Cover Photo: Rachata Teyparsit / EyeEm (Getty Images)