Electric Scooter Fanatic Upgraded to Platinum Status From Litterbug to Litter Beast

Local Bird enthusiast, Chester Walnut, has just received exciting news in the mail from the Environmental Protective Agency (EPA). Apparently, after a solid year of littering electric scooters across the city of Los Angeles and documenting his proclivity for destroying the purpose of sidewalks, the agency has upgraded him from a meager silver status of litterbug to their premium platinum status: litter beast. This does not come without dedicated hours of asshole-ism, countless hours drunk-riding in the wrong street lanes going against the flow of traffic. While littering paper in classrooms, gum under public benches and whole bags of fast food out of his car door at stoplights has rewarded him zero recognition in the past, these larger litter statements across the entire year have proved worthwhile. When questioned, we only caught part of Walnut’s answer as he sped by at 4 miles per hour, bragging about his relation to Betsy DeVos, we believe. He hopes to gain a key to the city by Christmas.

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Cover: @BirdGraveyard