destination wedding

The Implications Of Every Exotic Destination Wedding You’ve Ever Had Or Will Have

Photo:Big Cheese Photo LLC (Getty Images)

Who doesn’t love a vacation?! Well, if you’re packing your bags for an exotic destination wedding, you can forget about any vacation. The implications of any marital getaway usually include a few stipulations that make your trip, basically, the opposite of a vacation.

Have a look at the implications of any and all destination weddings, then try to tell us we’re not right on the money.

We’re curious who loves us most & challenge that with an expensive trip.

We love you all so much, but this is the nicest way we can tell most of you to fuck off and stay out of the happiest day of our lives. But! We’ll save a ton on catering by eliminating 85 percent of you assholes who would only come if we did this in Uber-able distance. Isn’t that wonderful?

Elderly family members too weak to fly and couples with kids are out.

Anyone (or anyone connected to anyone) who requires spoon feeding, diaper changing or constant attention is not welcome. This could be a child, an elder or your college roommate who just can’t seem to grasp the concept of self-control. We’re here to selfishly drink at the same bar all week and urinate in the ocean whenever the feeling arises. We don’t have time for childish games.

The first three days will be spent figuring out who the hell all these people are.

There are only 25 people to your party, but you only know three, and two of them are missing. They’re either puking in the ocean or were abducted by the hotel staff, so it looks like you’re going to have to mingle (and remember everything you hear and say), lest you become the creepy guy of the group. Oh wait, too late. Turns out wedding crashing is nothing like the goddamn movie.

This guys needs a vacation: Groomsman Falls At Wedding And Breaks Nose, Goes Viral

Hope you like puking and shitting all day.

Expect to be sidelined for a third of the trip because you were stupid enough to get ice in your drink last night at dinner. From there on, you should only pass out from dehydration a few times, probably mid-ceremony if you’re in the wedding, since you’re now too afraid to eat or drink anything served in the country. You climbed a tree to find a coconut to crack open, but all you found was how out of shape you are.

At least one person will wear something very off-putting at the beach.

Why is it that that one person is always the last person you’d hope for in the group? Did we do something to deserve this life? Sure, the women there are all beautiful, but they’re married so you get to hang out with creepy speedo uncle.

Expect to be our hostage while we fill up your vacation with our plans.

It’s better than a night of Tummy Sticks, but if you had any plans to go sightseeing, snorkeling, or just get away from everyone for a minute, you can kiss it goodbye. Your best bet is to bash your face on the bottom of a shallow pool and sit out for a day with a minor concussion. Yeah, that happened once.

Don’t be surprised if we randomly go traditional.

Yes, there was a bachelor party, but just one. We all sat through the stripper together. Me, my pals, my pal’s family. It was a great time.

And sure, the ceremony was different, and you never knew whether to sit or stand the entire time, but thank goodness the reception had that cliche imported rectangular wooden dance floor and colored strobe light like all the others back home. Hey, how is it that “Back That Azz Up” ends up playing at every reception right between Vanilla Ice and Kool & The Gang?

You’ll miss your flight home after failed attempts with foreign shapes of water.

It’s so hard to see the wave coming when it’s behind you, right? Good thing you opted to go out of network to a deserted island with no healthcare or hospitals. Your insurance card has now been repurposed to cut up lines of Oxycontin to take your mind off the fact that you’re going to die of exotic infection. Or just let the resort “specialist” pour some Robitussin on it.

Once home, we expect you to lie profusely about what a great trip you had.

Those not joining us will have the luxury of celebrating us back home when we get back from celebrating us abroad. But until then, you’ll hear about what a great fucking time you missed out on, even if it’s heavily embellished. And yes, we spent half of the trip badmouthing you for not having your life together enough to come.

Plan to return twice in the next decade to celebrate our second marriages.

You know, because of the implication.