The Michael Bloomberg Valentine’s Day Guide to Buying People’s Affection
It’s pretty obvious by now that money has been influencing American politics for decades, but can money influence matters of the heart? Billionaire presidential wannabe Mike Bloomberg is here to tell you that on Valentine’s Day, that’s exactly how money is best spent. Let’s face it, Bloomberg is the epitome of a hopeless romantic, one who throws cold hard cash at everything that moves in order to make his affections known. He’s pretty much Bruce Wayne without the night job. So even though he can’t pet a dog, what better role model is there to teach us a thing or two about buying people’s love then good old Mike Bloomberg? And you can forget about flowers and fancy chocolates. With Bloomberg’s fool-proof Valentine’s Day gift guide, you’ll only need your wallet (and a team of high-powered advisors). Trust him, your date will like you about $150 more afterward.
Photo: CBS Photo Archive (Getty Images)
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Bribe your way onto their radar.
Sometimes you show up late to the party. That’s why it’s important to have your people visit the offices of every major dating site and leave a blank check on their desks. Not as a quid pro quo, mind you, but as a little reminder to gaslight your personal needs on a fast track basis for when you need love in a hurry.
Set the mood with a few choice hit ads.
The second thing you need to do is take out an ad targeting your Valentine's current ex-boyfriend and steamroll the hell out of him with a convincing smear campaign. This will get your date primed and ready for some greener pastures. Or at the very least, a very bouncy rebound.
Pick them up in style.
Whatever you do, don't act your age. Do zany things like pick your date up using an e-scooter escort service that you are the CEO of. Take the opportunity to let them know you could have hired a private jet, but didn't because you're a man of the people.
Immediately show them how well-liked you are on Instagram.
Before they even say hello or get a chance to make too much eye contact, show them your internet cred. This will legitimize you in a totally un-phony way and put your Valentine honey at ease.
Take them on a date to the zoo, cover admission fee and first round of pink popcorn.
Let them know you're not just great with cats and dogs, but that you've got a way with all God's creatures.
Let them know you’ll take care of the things that are important to them.
Cover the cost of their rent check postage if need be. Grab the bill on their last load of laundry. Tell them you like cats and promise to give cats voting rights as soon as the climate is right. Say whatever the hell you need to say to connect with your special someone.
Be sure to explain that you can't be bought.
Even though you're trying to buy their love, it's really important that they know that your love can't be bought. They will respect you for this. It will give you something called "higher ground."
Keep them hydrated in an approachable way.
Surprise treat them to a Big Gulp. It's thoughtful without being pretentious. Plus, everyone needs a signature move.
Show them your true, focus-group approved self.
Be the fun, heroic human who’s irresistible in general polls. Tell them you're the man they need to get the job done. They will instantly be taken by your unbridled charisma.
Seal the deal.
When all else fails, just offer to pay them $150 to say nice things about you. Throw in an extra $50 for a kiss on the cheek and offer an advance of $500 to lock down next year's V-day. There’s no question about it, they’ll be back for seconds.
Lose like a gentleman.
Even if things don't work out, try your best to preserve the very top 1 percent of your honor. Pay for their Uber pool back home, splurging for a minivan to outwardly let them know there are no hard feelings, only deeply buried bitter resentments waiting on the pillow of your cold king-sized bed.