New Jesus Sneakers Are Selling Like Holy Hell, Not the Sole Searching He Had in Mind
Jesus spent a lot of his best years cruising the Holy Land barefoot. But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t take some brand-new Nike running shoes filled with holy water if he had the chance. The Air Max 97’s, repackaged by Brooklyn-based creative label, MSCHF, to include holy water air pockets, crucifix laces, a red papal sole, Bible verse (about walking on water), and the pleasing scent of frankincense, were made in an attempt to poke fun at collab culture by examining what a collaboration with the ultimate trust-fund kid might look like. Apparently, no one got the joke because the entire stock of $3,000 “Jesus Shoes” sold out in less time then it takes to mutter a Hail Mary.
The failed transaction makes us wonder how the son of God would handle fame and fortune in the 21st century. Big daddy Christ was a salt-of-the-Earth kind of guy and never carried around that much cash. But what if JC had the means to finally buy the fly kicks he deserves? WWJD do in a brand-new pair of Nike Jesus Shoes? We have a few ideas.
Photo: Jesus Shoes (MSCHF)
Dominate the NBA...eventually.
Now with the arch support he always craved, Jesus can finally step up his game to become the only player to ever dunk from full court. His come-from-behind victory in Game 7 of the NBA Championships will be dubbed "The Resurrection."
Almost beat Michael Jordan in a prime-time television event.
With fans and sports analysts divided on who the best player of all time is, Michael Jordan will be forced out of retirement to defend his title in a highly publicized one-on-one battle with Christ. In a close match, Jordan wins by three, but has to give props to the greatest challenger he's ever faced.
Break the one-hour marathon mark.
Kenyan runner Eliud Kipchoge's latest running feat will be blown out of the water when Bethlehem's favorite son clocks a sub one-hour time in his first ever marathon. More impressive, he runs part of the 26.1 miles on Lake Eerie.
Shred the gnar.
No doubt, Big J will find his unbelievable balance useful in the sport of skateboarding where he will shred the gnar harder (and more lovingly) than any of his predecessors. After his first X-Games appearance, he will solidify his reputation as a "Skater God."
Score a major endorsement deal with Nike.
With his iconic looks and stellar calves, Jesus will score his first major endorsement deal in nearly 2,000 years. Once the industry sees how well his first campaign does, the offers will come pouring in.
Start his own fitness club.
"Jesus bod" will become a global phenomenon, with fitness centers opening up from Los Angeles to Dubai. The training regimen will include a specialized diet of ancient grains and fish, and will catapult Jez Worldwide Holdings Co. into the Fortune 500.
Rebuild his following.
Using Twitter, Facebook, Tik-Tok, and Instagram, Jesus will rebuild his following to record numbers. The first person to surpass 2 billion followers, @therealJesusChrist will become the new Messiah of collaboration culture.
Put out an album.
With his cultural relevance restored, Jesus will be tempted to put out a rap album. His entourage will tell him it's a good idea, and after one year in the studio, Jesus Is Bling will debut at No. 4. It's amazing what a new pair of shoes can do.