Chocolate Snickers broken in half on a white background. The view from the top.

Snickers to Remove Big Dick Vein Energy From Chocolate Bars Following Green M&M Called Out For Her Promiscuity

There was much ado on the internet last week over an M&M’s character redesign. Why? Because the green M&M was essentially slut-shamed when her go-go boots got taken away and were replaced with sneakers. The edible symbol of horniness is now just like every other M&M, meaning: boring.

The next sweet on pop culture’s “To Be Canceled” list? Snickers.

“Our candy bar continues to evolve to reflect the more dynamic, progressive world that we live in,” the brand said in a statement (that eerily mirrors M&M’s big announcement). “Consumers, particularly those named Karen, have spoken, and they’ve told us that the textured coating on our Snickers bars is suggestive and offensive. We want you to know that we’ve heard you, and we’re making changes. To that end, we have decided to replace the current textured coating on our Snickers bar with a smoother, more visually pleasing chocolate coating.”

We’re totally kidding. Snickers would never do such a thing. (Or would they?) But you have to admit: at some point, you’ve unwrapped one of those caramel-and-nougat-filled bars and noticed that the chocolate coating looks a little…veiny. You know, like an overexcited dick. And we haven’t even mentioned the fact that it has nuts, too! That’s two potential innuendo land mines in one little sweet treat. It almost makes us not want to grab a Snickers, much less eat one, lest we start to question our sexuality.

But come on, it’s a freakin’ candy bar. What it looks like pales in comparison to how it tastes. We can eat ugly things as long as the flavor slaps. And Snickers always satisfies.

That said, it’s only a matter of time until a group of concerned citizens gather together to protest the big dick vein energy of the popular candy bar and demand a redesign – and they’ll get it, too, because marketers think bland and safe is the way to sell guilty pleasures in the age of cancel culture.

We say you can take our horny, slutty M&M’s and our veiny dick Snickers out of our cold, dead hands – and wipe the chocolate smears off our mouths while you’re at it.

Cover Photo: Inna Tarasenko (Getty Images)



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