birth control

Testicle Bath Is New Birth Control For Men, Totally Not Awkward, Flawless Nutcase For Kicking Off Sex (What Could Possibly Go Wrong?)

When it comes to birth control, men have been slacking since Adam met Eve. While women have a multi galaxy of pills, IUDs, implants, and cups, the best ideas we’ve come up with (so far) involve glue, pulling out, or getting snipped. We hate to bust balls here, but almost no effort has gone into male contraception for one obvious reason: Dudes are hardwired to want to spread their seed, and every pharmaceutical company in the world is run by dudes. That’s why it took a woman to come up with the new spa for your balls that’s so relaxing, your sperm won’t be able to get off its ass for months.

The breakthrough came when industrial design student Rebecca Weiss discovered a pre-cancerous cervical cyst caused by her birth control. With her health in jeopardy, she put the onus on her beau to pick up the baby-prevention slack, and they quickly realized the pull-out method needed some serious updating. That’s when Weiss had an ah-ha moment. Turns out, the answer had been dangling right in front of her eyes all along.

That’s right, we’re talking about balls.

Using her master’s thesis at the University of Munich as a launchpad, Weiss designed and developed a non-hormonal, non-invasive, and completely reversible birth control for men. Dubbed Coso, the Dyson-award-winning invention is a sexy basting tray for your giblets.

Check it out:

According to Weiss, the owner of a lovely pair of testicles simply, “adds water up to the indicated mark which is set together with a doctor according to individual testicle size.” After that, you let the water heat up, spread eagle the old walking stumps, and dip your tea bag in for the tastiest brew of your (sex) life. Then, whilst you luxuriate, ultrasound generates heat deep within your chitlins to halt sperm production for up to six months.

If you’re thinking this sounds like a goddam gamechanger, don’t drop trow just yet good sirs. Coso is still in its prototype phase, though we too can’t wait to dip our balls in lavender-scented serenity when the app-linked device hits shelves. Other than a relaxing way to hit sex on repeat, we have a strange feeling the birth of male birth control will double as an aphrodisiac. Why? Because dudes finally taking ownership of the pregnancy equation shows real awareness and respect for your partner. And nine out of ten women agree nothing is sexier than pulling your head out of your own ass.

Cover Photo: Uwe Krejci (Getty Images)

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