Like any other aspect of your health, your
sex life can hit a snag here and there. Hopefully, when you aren’t operating at full power, it’s just a temporary, minor affliction and not something serious or chronic. But do a little digging and you’ll find that there are a plethora of ways things can go wrong in the bedroom. Do too much digging and you’ll surely start diagnosing yourself with any number of issues.
For all you horny hypochondriacs out there, we’ve done the research on your behalf and found eight
strange sexual disorders you could convince yourself you have. Fingers crossed you just have run-of-the-mill whiskey dick and not one of these other maladies that could require anything from medication to surgery to resolve. (Ouch!)
Cover Photo: feelphotoart (Getty Images)
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A long-lasting erection sounds like a (wet) dream to most men. But if you suffered from priapism, you’d probably start to hate your penis. That’s because blood gets trapped in your junk and can’t recirculate through your body. The result is painfully engorged erectile tissue and an erection that lasts more than four hours. If that still doesn’t sound serious enough, consider this: if it goes untreated, this condition can result in blood vessel damage, scarring, and even gangrene, ultimately paving the way to impotence.
This condition is unique to our uncircumcised friends. It occurs when the foreskin is too tight and can’t be pulled back, resulting in a rubber band-like restriction around the tip of the penis. Yowza! And you thought wearing a too-tight turtleneck felt bad. Phimosis can make sex excruciating, and often the only effective treatment is to go under the knife.
For most men, the best part of sex is when it ends. (They don't call it the "money shot" for nothin'.) Unfortunately for those suffering from retrograde ejaculation, they never see the satisfying fruits (or should we say seeds?) of their labor. Instead, when they blow their wad, their ejaculate gets diverted into the bladder. It’s not dangerous, per se, but it does pose problems if you want to make babies someday.
This almost sounds like a nice problem to have – you masturbate, fondle, or have sex with your partner in your sleep. The trouble is, you don’t remember anything the morning after – but your girlfriend probably does, and we’d bet she isn’t happy about it. Because it bypasses consent, those afflicted with sexsomnia could actually be committing sex crimes while asleep. It’s a condition that primarily affects men and tends to start between 26 and 33 years of age.
Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder
This one’s for the ladies. While it sounds ideal (a woman who’s constantly turned on?!) it can actually be quite upsetting – and exhausting. Women with PGAD have uncontrollable arousal that is random yet persistent. The incessant horniness lasts from one to seven days, which can make getting anything done – other than getting off – near impossible. Even when symptoms ebb, they can be triggered by minor things like the vibration of a cell phone or a bumpy car ride.
Post-Orgasmic Illness Syndrome
The only thing you expect to happen after a satisfying sex sesh is afterglow, right? Well, if you’re afflicted with POIS, your orgasmic high is often accompanied by fatigue, fever, memory problems, mood changes, trouble concentrating, sore throat, itchy eyes, and/or weakness. Even worse: these flu- and allergy-like symptoms can last up to seven days post-orgasm!
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
Have you stopped thinking about, fantasizing about, or desiring sex? Do you feel unreceptive to the idea of getting it on? Has “Not tonight, dear” become your mantra? If so, and if your lack of libido is causing you or your relationship distress, you may have HSDD.
Sexual Aversion Disorder
If the thought of sex with your partner isn’t just absent, but actually disgusts you, or if you find yourself actively avoiding physical intimacy, you might have SAD. People experiencing this disorder may even have panic attacks (accompanied by extreme anxiety, dizziness, nausea, faintness, heart palpitations, and breathing difficulties) when faced with the prospect of sexual contact. They may also go to extreme lengths, like altering bedtimes, neglecting personal hygiene, traveling excessively, or becoming a workaholic to avoid being in sexual situations.