The Mandatory Valentine’s Day Weird Sex Menu For All the Things You’re Suddenly Willing to Do For the Person You Love
Sex changes when you’re coupled up. If you’re with someone you love and want to stay with, you have to make concessions. This is especially true when major holidays, like your anniversary or Valentine’s Day, come around (and you’re expected to make her come). Expectations are high on these sex-centric celebrations, so you better bring your A-game and set aside your inhibitions.
We’ll help you prepare for your big day in the boudoir with a list of anticipated sex acts that she definitely wants and in which you may or may not want to partake (but will do to please her, because you’re her man). This is the Mandatory Valentine’s Day Weird Sex Menu For All the Things You’re Suddenly Willing to Do For the Person You Love.
Cover Photo: Vincent Besnault (Getty Images)
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Netflix's Bridgerton is the hottest thing on women's radar since 50 Shades of Gray. If you're unacquainted with the steamy series, you better start bingeing now so you can accurately play the Duke of Hastings to her Daphne.
Food as foreplay.
You'd really prefer to save the whipped cream for waffles, but if she wants to squirt herself silly, who are you to stand in her way?
Fantasizing out loud.
Like dreams, once you speak your fantasies aloud, they lose all their magic (not to mention their erotic powers). But women seem really into sharing everything. (If only she were as eager to carry out those imaginary sex scenarios. Sigh.) If your fantasies are too raunchy/offensive/outrageous to be whispered into your lady's ear, make something mild up.
Licking her ear.
We don't know who thought ears should be penetrated (probably a dude) but we wish this sex trend would stop. Ears are just oily, waxy mazes, and you'd rather not put your mouth anywhere near there. Alas, it makes her crazy (in the best way) so you simply have to oblige from time to time.
Sucking her (disgusting) toes.
You're not opposed to toe sucking per se, it's just that your girlfriend's a runner and, well, her feet are not her best feature. And yet, you see how she downright shivers when you give her little piggies a tongue bath. You're a good man, Charlie Brown.
Kissing after oral.
You really don't want to taste yourself, but if your lady just performed the ultimate act of selflessness on you, she might want a little makeout sesh as a reward -- and reassurance that she did a good (blow) job. Just give it to her. All bodily fluids are communal at this point.
Going down on her...no, not there...
Sometimes, when she asks you to go down on her, she means way, way down...to the dirtiest part of her. Uh-huh. Yeah. There. Be a man, gird your loins, and stick your tongue out. Mouthwash will be waiting when you're done.
A threesome...with another dude.
This is the ultimate female fantasy and she's really hoping you have the balls to do it. If you can pull this off, she'll be eternally grateful (and might even return the favor). You have the home team advantage and know what she likes, so don't be intimidated. The other guy is mostly eye candy, nothing more. Just hope he isn't better hung than you.
You're a modern guy who believes in gender equality, right? Prove it. Women have been shutting up and bending over for dudes since the beginning of time. The least you can do is let her strap on a faux phallus and wield some power over you. She'll be gentle...right?
Ack! It's the dreaded cuddle that never ends (or the laziest sex position ever). But spoon you will because women love this shit, possibly even more than sex itself. Take a sleeping pill beforehand and you won't even have to stay awake for it.
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