The Mandatory Quarantine Guide to Taking a Safe Dump in Public This Summer
You’re out in public, surrounded by people, and all of a sudden, you have The Urge. You scan your surroundings for a bathroom but can’t find one. There’s no gas station around for miles, and you’re not sure you could make it there in time anyway. When nature calls, you have to answer. So how do you discreetly do a No. 2 when the whole world seems to be watching? We’ll equip you for this fecal matter feat with the Mandatory quarantine guide to taking a safe dump in public this summer.
Cover Photo: skynesher (Getty Images)
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Go before you go.
Your mom was right. Always use the bathroom before you leave the house. This timeless wisdom is even more poignant now, in the era of coronavirus, when public bathrooms should be avoided like, well, the plague.
Find a secluded spot.
No one needs to witness you emptying your bowels. Backpacker etiquette is to do your bathroom business at least 200 feet (or 70 paces) from campsites, trails, or water sources.
Before you drop a deuce, dig a hole in which to deposit it. That'll keep your feces off other people's feet and will help your crap compost.
Bring a bucket.
This simple tool does double duty when you have a doody. Either defecate directly in the bucket, or fill it with water and use it as a makeshift bidet. Just don't do both, OK?
Travel with baby wipes.
Don't waste your time with TP. Baby wipes are where it's at. Buy a travel pack and keep it in your man purse.
Know your leaves.
If the public poop caught you by surprise and you don't have any toilet paper or baby wipes within reach, a leaf is your next best option. Study up on poisonous leaves now to save yourself an embarrassing trip to the ER later.
Bag it up.
Just like when you're camping, you want to leave no trace after your al fresco dump. Use a Ziploc baggie to seal up any soiled baby wipes and take them with you. The Earth says, "Thanks."
Bury the evidence.
After dropping a load, make sure you cover your dung pile with a fresh scoop of dirt. If this is a pavement poop situation, use a baggie to pick it up and dispose of it properly.
Apply ample hand sanitizer.
Who knows how many germs get transferred from ass to hands when you poop outdoors. Grab that hand sanitizer (which you're already carrying around with you everywhere, right?) and slather it on your paws, you filthy animal.
Live to tell the tale.
Everyone has an outdoor pooping story. Craft yours for maximum entertainment value because at the next campfire, it's coming out!
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