The Rusty American’s Guide to Getting Back to Being an Annoying Movie-Goer
Coronavirus pretty much killed all the blockbuster movie buzz for the remainder of the year, but cinephiles have still been able to catch flicks on streaming services and at drive-ins. After months of lockdown, however, movie theaters are finally starting to reopen. While seeing films on the big screen may never be the same again, a guy can hope that life will eventually return to something resembling normal. If it does, you may need a refresher on how to behave when watching a movie in public. That’s why we came up with the rusty American’s guide to getting back to being an annoying movie-goer.
Cover Photo: Antonio_Diaz (Getty Images)
Arrive after the previews.
Try to time your arrival to coincide with the end of the previews and the beginning of that funny concessions advertisement. If you fail and end up arriving a few minutes into the feature film, oh well. Enter anyway. If your late entrance was so disruptive, movie theater staff would stop you, right?
Sit directly in front of the other patrons.
It's a dog-eat-dog world at the movie theater. Go for the best seat in the house. If that happens to be in front of someone else, well, it sucks to be them. Don't sacrifice your sight line for anything.
Bring your own food.
Hey, if you want to enjoy a fried chicken dinner with your feature, go ahead. Make sure it’s wrapped in that crinkly paper, too, for maximum auditory disruption. The smellier the food, the better; you want to either make your fellow moviegoers jealous or gross them out with the scents wafting from your seat. Eat with abandon and make sure to lick your fingers clean when you're done.
Get up frequently.
You sprang for the biggest size soda and now your bladder is exacting its revenge. When nature calls, you answer, and you don't care whose view you impede in the process.
Put your feet up.
The theater is basically your home for the next two hours, so you're totally entitled to make yourself comfortable. Besides, your legs will cramp if you don't put your feet up from time to time. If your seat neighbor has a problem, they can relocate.
Laugh at the inappropriate parts.
You know this is supposed to be a serious, somber scene, but for some reason it tickles your funny bone. Let those laughs out! You can't help it. If other people can't see the humor in the darkness, it's their loss.
Share your observations out loud.
Movies are a social experience, so feel free to share your thoughts about the movie with your friends or whomever is within earshot. If you didn't want to talk about what's happening onscreen, you'd watch the film at home, alone.
Live-tweet the movie.
Your social media followers who couldn't make it to the movie are depending on you to give them the play-by-play. (Don't forget the spoilers!) Sure, your fellow moviegoers may complain about the light emanating from your phone, but why are they paying attention to you anyway? Eyes on your own screen!
Make out passionately.
If you're lucky enough to have a date with you, you'd be nuts not to indulge in a movie theater make-out session. There's nothing sexier than kissing in a semi-dark public space. It's not like you're going to get a stealth hand job beneath the popcorn bucket (if only). If anyone objects to your tonsil hockey, you know it's just because they're jealous.
Leave your mess behind.
They pay people to pick it up, so why shouldn’t you give them something to do? A movie theater is basically one big trash can anyway. Drop all wrappers, disposable cups, half-chewed Goobers, and any other litter on that sticky, icky floor. It'll get swept away eventually.