The Pete Buttigieg Guide For Putting Your Pants on Two Legs at a Time (Even If You’re Too Big For Your Britches)
Presidential hopeful, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, is the kind of guy who puts his pants on two legs at a time, and we’re not just saying that metaphorically. Truth be told, his pants don’t fit quite as well as they did just one month ago before the dark horse Democratic candidate lightly beefed up his campaign calves with a surprise showing at the Iowa caucus, albeit a little overeager. Today, Mayor Pete needs a shoehorn just to slip into those tight trousers, but he’s showing us that, even if you’re getting too big for your britches, there’s a ‘two legs at one time’ lifestyle to fix that.
Now that you’re picturing Buttigieg in skinny jeans with a tiniest big of muffin top, let’s take a look at how the two-term mayor from South Bend, Indiana, suddenly leapfrogged into the DNC primary fast lane with a campaign that has outpaced establishment favorites like Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, putting him neck and neck with former underdog Bernie Sanders as the two head towards the Nevada caucus and South Carolina primary. How does he do it? Find out with the Pete Buttigieg Guide to Putting Your Pants on Two Legs at a Time. And maybe by the end of this, we’ll all be snuggled in our outgrown britches, muffin tops and all.
Photo: Win McNamee (Getty Images)
Start with little britches.
Being the mayor of a small city in middle America doesn’t exactly put you on the map, politically speaking. In fact, most people couldn’t even find South Bend on a map. Which is the perfect place to start if you’re looking to bust out of your seams on the national stage.
Impress potential constituents with your eloquence and forthwith-iness.
In politics, you can't make something from nothing. And (former) Mayor Pete has given many Americans something to hang their hat on with his intellect, reasoning, and thoughtful discourse. Not to mention, he has the confidence to own a podium and make bold, convincing statements. (As with any candidate, where these statements land, only time will tell.)
Garner support from DNC heavyweights.
His unique appeal has led DNC stalwarts (like ex-Clinton staffer and former DNC CEO, Jess O’Connell) to step into his corner and offer a newfound level of support. As weird behavior and unprofessionalism has hampered Biden, and woe-is-me tiffs have left Warren’s potential voters scratching their heads, Buttigieg pushes forward methodically, maintaining forward momentum with fewer hiccups than most of his peers. He also has some of the biggest donors backing him, including Disney, Apple, Amazon, Wells Fargo, and AT&T, as well as a spate of very wealthy individuals.
Beat down every door until your calves are nice and swoll.
Learning from the mistakes of Hillary Clinton’s dubious Iowa victory in 2016 (in which her campaign failed to canvass around the more rural parts of the state), Buttigieg’s team decided to hit every backroad in the Hawkeye State. This deep trekking, along with a respectable amount of morning squats, primed Buttigieg's candidacy for some tearing along the seams of anonymity.
You can’t spell Buttigieg without 'Butt.'
Getting his butt out there at town halls, meet and greets, and debates despite insurmountable odds has kept him in the public eye long enough to get over the hump. Yes, that hump. Even his competition has taken notice at how svelte (former) Mayor Pete has gotten over the past few months, as he becomes more and more confident with each and every appearance.
Emulate the path of men with bigger britches.
There’s no doubt that Buttigieg is borrowing some juju from men like Barack Obama and even Jimmy Carter (the first small-britches candidate to win Iowa and go on to total victory). Emulating certain speech patterns and strong financial backing has given (former) Mayor Pete greater poise over the past year while more well-known candidates like Cory Booker have fallen by the wayside. In essence, his campaign is saying that by dreaming of bigger britches, we one day can wear said bigger britches. At least that sounds like something from Pete Buttigieg’s Twitter account.
Claim victory before the results are in using words like ‘undeniable.’
Being aggressive is a necessity on the campaign trail. Not only was Pete Buttigieg the first one on the Iowa victory dance floor despite the DJ being on a bathroom break, but he also went full Napoleon Dynamite with it. On his way to New Hampshire, consider Pete Buttigieg officially too big for his britches. Let’s see how these new size trousers fit the young upstart from Indiana. America is watching.