That’s Nuts: A Tribute to the Afterlife for Mr. Peanut
This week, many of us awoke to the shocking news that Mr. Peanut died. Sure, he lived to the ripe old age of 104 and technically he was an anthropomorphic peanut who thought wearing a monocle and spats was cool in 2020, but we still took this news pretty hard. That is, until we actually thought about it.
First off, we’d be more likely to believe in the death of this prolific peanut pitchman if he had succumbed to an invasion of mold or become rancid due to the high level of oil on his crunchy skin. Or maybe if he just died peacefully in bed, surrounded by Chester Cheetah, the Vlasic Pickles stork, and Twinkie the Kid. No, his death was much stranger and might we say just a little bit sinister.
For some reason, Mr. Peanut (whose real name is Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe) was zooming around in a car with pals Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh and they swerved to avoid an armadillo and ended up in a tree, dangling over a cliff, holding on for dear life. To save his friends, Mr. Peanut let go and met his demise. Or did he?
— Baby Nut (@MrPeanut) January 22, 2020
The first real hint that this might all be a hoax is the fact that it was all filmed and put on Mr. Peanut’s social media sites. If he actually died, then why would his estate (and the folks at Planter’s) want this footage released at all? Secondly, there’s talk that his “funeral” will air during the Super Bowl. We’re calling it right now, he’s alive and well and will make his triumphant return from the dead during the big game. He’s trying to get away from the IRS, a failed romance, or maybe just doesn’t want to pay for his gym membership anymore. But, if for some reason he actually is dead, here are some possibilities of what will happen to his extremely delicious body in the afterlife.
Photo: Taylor Hill (Getty Images)
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Maybe he safely landed in a pile of salt and he’s fine.
This all depends on the altitude. How high was he?
This would be unfortunate as this means he’s pretty much pulverized. Or he was cremated.
Peanut Butter Cookie
Perhaps he inadvertently landed on some sugar, flour, and other cookie-related ingredients.
Unlikely. He didn’t fall out of a plane for crying out loud.
Maybe he fell into some sugar?
Mr. Peanut Butter and Jelly
Maybe he landed on a piece of bread slathered in jelly.
Maybe he fell into a volcano that just happened to be spewing out molten hot honey.