Expectation vs. Reality: Sober Sex vs. Drunk Sex (A Dry January Love Story)
Sex rarely goes as planned (or as fantasized), but when you throw alcohol in the mix, it can really go off the rails. After enough drunken one-night stands, you might start wondering if sober sex would be better than the sloppy lovin’ you’ve been getting (and giving). It could be…but it probably still won’t live up to your expectations (thanks, porn). When it comes to hooking up, we’ve uncovered the truth about drunk sex versus sober sex and whether reality ever aligns with your “sexpectations.” What we discovered just might inspire you to pledge allegiance to Dry January before your next Tinder date.
Cover Photo: gpointstudio (Getty Images)
Do not disturb: 10 Mind-Blowing Reasons Why Hotel Sex Is The Best Sex
Expectation: Your partner has never been hotter. How did you get so lucky? She’s Hollywood beautiful. And her body is beyond belief.
Reality: Thank you, beer goggles, for making her everything you hoped she'd be.
Expectation: You’ll see her for who she really is, and she is truly lovely.
Reality: It’s as if someone took the airbrushing away and magnified all her flaws. You can see every patch of dry skin, every acne scar, every wrinkle under her eyes. And is that a hairy mole on her back? Yikes.
Expectation: Anything goes. Curse words. Insults. “Who’s your daddy?” Everything that comes out of your mouth is a turn-on for her and vice-versa.
Reality: You can barely slur a four-letter word properly and have no idea what her name is.
Expectation: You can still talk dirty; you’ll just enunciate better now.
Reality: You’re too shy to say the naughty things you usually do in bed. You try pairing an "oh" with her name, but it feels too formal. You go quiet instead, but that’s weird, too. Now you must perform while listening to a symphony of mattress squeaks, breath patterns, and moist orifice noises.
Expectation: You’re an amazing lover. You can do no wrong. Her moans will be heard in the street.
Reality: Those aren’t moans of delight; they’re stomach cramps. She scampers out of the bedroom and the sound of retching echoes from the bathroom.
Expectation: You’re on your A-game and will be the source of a thousand pleasures.
Reality: You don’t know what to do with your hands. You accidentally elbow her in the stomach while switching positions. You’re awkward and insecure. You feel naked – like, more than you usually do when actually naked.
Expectation: Everything is wonderful and nothing hurts.
Reality: Nothing feels quite right. You can’t accurately detect body parts. You don't know what you're licking. Is your dick lost?
Expectation: This is going to feel amazing. You hope she likes a little BDSM.
Reality: The sensitivity just got turned up to 11. Every pinch, spank, and accidental eye poke is excruciating. Who ever thought to combine pain and pleasure in the first place?
Expectation: You’re going to go until you’re both spent on spasmatic ecstasy.
Reality: You struggle to get hard and stay hard. Instead of a steady pounding, your performance is more of a start-stop affair that never achieves full lift-off.
Expectation: You’ll get hard fast and you’ll stay hard for longer than you’ve ever been before.
Reality: It takes a bit longer to warm up, but once all systems are go, you’re a sex machine. You thought marathon sex was a myth; turns out you could have gone the distance all along if you’d just skipped the precoital booze.
Expectation: You are going to blow her mind. She’ll never have another lover as good as you.
Reality: You assume she’s enjoying herself but you don’t really know. You’re just trying to get the job done before you go soft or she passes out. Does she like your moves? Is there something you could do differently? You don’t have the brain power to contemplate these questions when inebriated.
Expectation: You don’t know if you’ll be able to please her, but you’re going to give it the college try.
Reality: Whoa. Sex is a whole other experience when you’re actually present and paying attention to her cues and responsiveness. Even without words, she’s giving you directions on how to please her and her approval when you get the angle or the pressure or the speed just right is loud and clear.
Expectation: After outstanding orgasms, you’ll have a deep and meaningful tête-à-tête.
Reality: You both stumble toward orgasm, fail to get there, and end up falling asleep in a contorted, sweaty heap. That was…fun? Sort of? Not really.
Expectation: Hopefully you’ll both be satisfied and can discuss common interests or have a few laughs afterwards.
Reality: You both collapse breathless after simultaneous orgasms and smile at one another. She snuggles into the nook between your shoulder and chin and you talk into the wee hours of the night, eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms. There’s nowhere else you’d rather be or anyone else you’d rather be with.
The Morning After
Expectation: You’ll both wake up with mild hangovers but after brunch and a little hair of the dog, you’ll both be in the mood to go back to her place and get it on again.
Reality: You can’t remember a goddamn thing. Where are you? Whose bed is this? Did you and this naked stranger bump uglies last night? Was it good? Did you use protection? Regret hits you in tandem with a massive hangover. All you want is to cling to the toilet for the foreseeable future.
Expectation: You’ll probably wake up naked and embarrassed and want to grab your clothes and run off.
Reality: You both wake up with morning breath, but it’s nothing a couple cups of instant coffee can’t cure. There’s no regret as you sip your java and grin at one another. The rosy afterglow makes you smile stupidly for days whenever you think about her. This could be love.