Honest Timeline: Thanksgiving Dinner If It Were Streamed Live
Thanksgiving, a holiday rooted in gluttony, is the OG celebration of this extremely flawed country. These days, massaging the wounded bird that’s our collective ego is tedious work. So a simple Thanksgiving dinner just doesn’t cut it. Everyone you know will be TikToking and Instagramming their family gathering, which is why you — a complete visionary — must livestream Thanksgiving instead. Not only is it an excuse to invite your friends from around the world, but it’ll also cut down on the mess. Keep reading to see how Thanksgiving dinner would go if you’d simply let the world in on how you do it.
Photo: Kyle Monk (Getty Images)
Mandatory manners: How to Act Like a Big Boy at the Thanksgiving Table This Year
The camera is set up and ready to go. You look into it as it streams into the ether and say, "It's 5 o'clock somewhere." Then chug your cocktail.
Over pigs in a blanket, you tell your guests that this is going to be a really magical Thanksgiving dinner. You did something "special" to the turkey.
Dinner is served. You head into the kitchen and carry the medium-sized, overcooked turkey and set it in front of your camera. Then you begin to sensually caress your bird before carving it.
You pile your plate with food and then eat in silence for 10 minutes.
You unbutton your pants and consider dessert, wisely opting to take a breather.
Someone calls you a coward on your stream, which sets you off and you decide to continue force-feeding yourself.
You're so full you hate yourself. When willing your food to hurry and digest doesn't work, you close your eyes and enter a food coma.
You wake up and somehow still have viewers left. You're still full so you do what any hero would: get stoned and get back to eating Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, do you think you might want to livestream your Thanksgiving next year? Let us know in the comments!