The 12 Kinds of Assholes Sitting at Your Thanksgiving Day Table
The one good thing about a massive Thanksgiving feast is that you don’t have to worry about splitting the bill at the end. In exchange, however, you must break bread and make nice with a rotating cast of ne’er-do-wells, vagabonds, and Johnny-come-latelies. Learn to survive the onslaught by identifying who you should steer clear of no matter how normal they appear. Because in our opinion, you can’t always judge a book by its cover. And opinions are like friends; they’re all assholes. Here are the 12 most likely sitting at your Thanksgiving day table this year.
Photo: Bruce Ayres (Getty Images)
Make a mess of it: RANKED! The Worst Thanksgiving Foods You Could Possibly Bring to the Party
The Mooch arrives with a single bag of potato chips and enough beer for one person (themselves). If they're not cradling their six-pack of MGD all night, you can find it hidden away in the back of the fridge behind the pickles. Don't ask us how we know.
The Culinary Challenged
She'll bring a bag of frozen shrimp and dump the contents into a fancy bowl near the charcuterie plank. Those who dare eat the mystery shrimp (or anything else she may have brought) will reach regrettable levels of number four.
The Jesus Freak
We all know at least one person who has to get in a God moment (or three) at some point during the evening. If you catch them reaching for your hand before dinner, just inform them that God takes Thursdays off. Like a good heathen.
The Late Arrival
Gene insisted on making the turkey this year, but he's three hours late and won't answer his phone. Despite the fact that he's in the ICU getting treated for third-degree burns he sustained while basting the turkey, he's still an asshole.
The Emotionally Unsupported
This person always brings a feral animal they're "fostering" to a small, quiet gathering. And because they don't get enough attention (or validation) the other 364 days of the year, they might even bring an actual elephant to your Thanksgiving party to ensure that everyone in the room talks about it.
The Fantasy Football Fanatic
In the fanatic's mind, Thanksgiving is synonymous with football. They won't stop screaming at the TV, crushing beer cans on their head, and trying to spike the baby.
Piping hot turkey and vegans don't always mesh. We get that. But the constant complaining and dirty looks are not welcome advances at this particular juncture. Now pass the gravy.
The Drunk Uncle
He enters the house belching, insults the host, and leaves the front door open so all the heat escapes. He starts a fight with the fantasy football fanatic by demanding to watch old war movies while mainlining bourbon from his easy chair. After making several inappropriate jokes at dinner, he holes up in the bathroom while everyone else cleans up. After dessert, he dances in the neighbor's yard until the cops are called.
The Show-Off is only here to perform their latest self-proclaimed talent, which is actually something they saw in a movie once and have never attempted in front of an audience. Lonely people are the worst.
Usually somebody's ex drops in unannounced hoping to secure a backup lay in case the party he's headed to is dead. He's not even phased when he discovers the only single lady here is your recently widowed mom. What an asshole.
Of course we feel bad about how Thanksgiving is a "slight" historical misrepresentation of the relationship between the Pilgrims and indigenous people. But we had nothing to do with that. Blame Andrew Jackson. We’re just trying to overdo it on stuffing and pie while pretending to have zero regrets in life for one goddamn night.
Don't look so surprised. After all, you're at a dinner party with 11 other assholes.