Your iPhone Can Weigh Drugs (And 7 Other Handy Uses For Degenerate Phone Addicts)
Police in North Carolina became iPhone gurus recently when they discovered an unconventional trick hidden away within their iPhones. They quickly took to social media to let the public know of their discovery by inviting customers who may have been shortchanged by unscrupulous purveyors of illicit goods to come down and have their drugs properly weighed using the iPhone drug scale function. Surprisingly, no one came. So we thought we’d sweeten the deal by releasing a second public announcement of iPhone hacks to help drug users achieve their goals. For the degenerate phone addict or burgeoning kingpin, these tricks of the trade can really take your smartphone skills from juvenile detention to maximum security.
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Low Light Mode
When you and your friends are high, the brightness of your iPhone can really be a bummer. Access low light mode by going to settings and enabling zoom in the accessibility folder. Once enabled, triple tap the screen using three fingers, and a prompt will appear. Choose the filter option and select low light. Boom. Now you can continue Yelping the best taco stand to meet your drug dealer at without the harsh migraine.
Cutting Lines Mode
Whether out at the club or in the living room of a quietly violent person you just met, finding a clean surface to do drugs on is not always an easy task. Simply remove the iPhone from your pocket, swipe five times on your jeans, and place face up on table.
Built-In Tape Measure
Smuggling and other important mule activities are now a cinch with the iPhone's built-in tape measure. Augment your reality with the measure app to quickly find out how many kilos you can fit in the trunk of your Kia.
Instant Weapon Mode
Whenever cornered by rival groups or fronted on by a disgruntled customer, employ your phone's instant weapon mode. Launch device directly at the eyes or throat of assailant. Repeat as needed.
Emergency SOS Beacon
Due to user error, weapon mode doesn't always work. If you find yourself in need of rescue, activate your iPhone's emergency SOS beacon by turning on the auto call feature within the emergency SOS tab in settings. Create a contact list of everyone who might rescue you on short notice. Tap the power button five times fast and you'll be whisked out of your duct tape tuxedo faster than it takes the MDMA to wear off.
Sometimes it's necessary to inform on friends and colleagues when striking a plea deal with the DEA. Customize your control center so voice memo is easily accessible. Casually tap twice, open control center, and tap twice again, as soon as your supplier inadvertently begins to incriminate himself.
DocuSign a Lawyer Function
Now that you've got a plea deal in the works, it's time to hire a good lawyer to navigate all the legal jargon. Sign your contract from the comfort of your jail cell by previewing the attachment in the mail app. Open the toolbox, then tap the signature button in the markup preview. Use your finger to sign away your rights and you'll be back in witness protection in no time.