Honest Timeline: Your First Music Festival Experience
The music festival. What was one a rare occurrence is now a legitimate rite of passage for young people looking to collect experiences instead of stuff. Too bad you basically need tons of this stuff called money in order to make it to the music festival. So you finance a ticket and take the Friday off your remote desk job, your side hustle, and even that third part-time gig you only do for straight cash to drive to your first music festival with your friends. Even though you have no idea what to expect, you’re excited. You should be because this is your first music festival experience and it could go a little something like this.
Photo: Flashpop (Getty Images)
Honest Timeline: Your First Tinder Dating Experience
Thursday at 3 PM
You're finally finished with whatever your bullshit remote job is. Your bags are packed and you're headed to your first music festival with your best friends in the world. They've obviously been to a festival before because they don't live under a rock. You decide to meet down there on Thursday, in part to beat the Friday traffic, but really to kick the weekend off in the sick house you guys nearly bankrupted yourselves to rent.
Thursday at 9 PM
You make it to the festival house and it's like something out of MTV's Cribs. You don't know what that means because you're too young. But trust us, Cribs. There's a fridge out by the pool you fill with beer after you choose rooms. While you're changing into your swim trunks, one of your friends knocks on the door and hands you acid, molly, and marijuana. You ask him how much cocaine he's done and he laughs, "A magician never tells his secrets." Then he fades out of your room and back to the party.
Friday at 11 AM
You're up and in the pool before anyone else. Your hangover's creeping, but you're on your second beer and the party's finally starting up again. With bloody marys in hand, you and your friends decide you want to see your favorite band on acid. You tear off pieces and give it to them. As you place it on your tongue, you wonder why you didn't push for molly. Oh well.
Friday at 2 PM
You're outside but feel inside. Maybe it's just you feeling inside, you think to yourself. You've wandered away from your friends. You sit on some grass and watch a band play. You're trying to focus on the music, but it's impossible. You close your eyes but can still see the music. You pray loudly as you feel the grass grow around your body.
Friday at 8:45 PM
Time is a fucking flat circle. You cannot account for the past six hours, and you're not wearing a shirt. You argue with a kebab vendor about him having to cut your meat with a knife. Your friend finds you and throws money at the guy. You two head over to the headliner stage right before they start their set. When the music starts, you race to the front of the and in the process, somehow end up picked up by the crowd and carried to the front. Is this what it's like to be a god? You decide this is the most real moment of your life.
Saturday at 2 PM
You wake up sometime in the afternoon. The night before is a blur. You head back to the festival because now you're drawn to it. You understand why you maxed out two credit cards. When you get to the festival grounds, you run into a girl who recognizes you from the night before. You two get a beer and start talking. You remember you have molly on you and tell her. She's very into the idea of free drugs. Women always are. You consider the error of the acid and then do it anyways.
Saturday at 7 PM
You may or may not have had sex with said woman as the sun set and your favorite band played in the distance. When it's over, you do more molly because fuck it.
Saturday at 11 PM
As the headliner takes the stage, your body is glowing. You decide to quit your job when you get home. Fuck it all. You deserve to be happy.
Sunday at 2 AM
Your awesome Cribs house is now packed with people for an awesome party. You're tripping so fucking hard that you run out back and jump in the pool. At some point you may have been chanting, "I'm going to live forever." It's a perfect night.
Sunday at 4 PM
Upon waking, you realize you're not going to live forever. You may not even live past this hangover. When you finally get up, you crack a beer, do a bump and then take the beer into the shower and softly cry. You head directly to the festival and meet your friends at one of the DJ stages. It's so insanely packed you consider leaving. Then you look around and realize you could actually go home and be in bed by 10 PM where you could truly nurse your hangover before work. Ugh.
Sunday at 5 PM
You return to the Cribs house and grab your shit. You roll the world's biggest joint and smoke it before leaving the magnificent festival house. Till next time, you think as you get in your car and race towards home so you can die in peace.
Honest Timeline: A Highly Accurate First Edible Experience
So, on a scale from one to “I spent Day Two talking to God (aka a trashcan),” where’s your first venture to a musical festival land? Share your experience in the comments!