Honest Timeline: Getting and Removing a Craigslist Roommate
Roommates are a necessary evil. Nobody wants one, but most of us need one at some point in young adulthood. Finding the right roommate, however, can be a real pain in the ass. Before you post that ad on Craigslist, make sure you know what you’re in for. This honest timeline will prepare you for the potentially hellish adventure ahead.
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It could be worse: Alabama Man Arrested After Assaulting Roommate Over A Box Of Cap’n Crunch
2 Days Into Your Roommate Search
You post an ad on Craigslist for a roommate and are terrified by the freaks who respond to it. You rewrite and repost but now no one's answering your ad, not even the weirdos.
14 Days Into Your Roommate Search
Someone calls about your Craigslist ad. No one ever calls. You take this as a sign that they are mature. You chat for a while. They seem normal enough. You agree to meet.
15 Days Into Your Roommate Search
You meet up and feel like you've found The One. You just click. It's like you've known each other your whole lives. The epic search is over. This is going to be a beautiful friendship.
5 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You're in the honeymoon stage. This is the best roommate you've ever had. There will never, ever be another roommate so perfectly suited to you. You want to spend all your time together. You're so compatible, you don't even need separate beds. You start wondering if you two should downsize to a one-bedroom.
10 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You come home after work to find your roommate has rearranged the entire apartment. You're unsure if it's an improvement, but they keep insisting how much space there is now. You really wish they would've asked you first. Oh well. You'll give them a pass this time.
16 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
Your roommate has been asserting themselves a lot more often lately. In fact, they're kind of mouthy. They also speak about themselves in the third person. It creeps you out.
18 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You attempt to retrain your roommate with the same technique that worked on your cat: a squirt bottle. So far, results are negligible.
20 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
Your roommate's flaws are on full display. They forget to flush, leave half-eaten pizza slices in between the couch cushions, and bring home a new (noisy) Tinder date every night. This is getting awkward. The once-perfect arrangement is no longer sustainable.
22 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You try to send subtle signals that you're fed up with your roommate's behavior. You can tell by the level of filth, late-night jam sessions, and steady headboard thumping on the other side of the wall that the messages are not getting through.
25 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You start considering your alternatives. You can't afford to move out on your own but you really don't want to get another awful roommate, either. You've contemplated murder but the jail time is a major deterrent. Isn't there some other way out of this? Hmm...
28 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You pay a few friends to kidnap your roommate. The attempt fails miserably. You resign yourself to your living situation for the time being.
29 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You slip on your roommate's used condom in the bathroom and end up flat on your back. This. Is. The. Last. Straw.
30 Days After Your Roommate Moves In
You can't take it anymore. You don't care if you have to get a second job to pay for the apartment yourself. You cannot live this way any longer. You lose your shit and scream "Get out!" at your roommate. To your surprise, they don't resist. They look a little scared, actually. (Have you become that unhinged?) They pack their stuff up and you triumphantly slam the door behind them, vowing to never live with a roommate again.