Help, I’ve Spent All of My Money on Activewear and I’m Still Gross

Apparently, activewear does nothing for the physique. (Or personality.) It’s surprising, because the pictures of the muscle tee and form-fitting, active-cooling track pants look so great on the packaging. But then you realize those smiling, sporty folk on the package are all models who got paid pretty good money to wear some pre-fitted version of the clothes you thought would be instantly transformational.

Why can’t there be a big red button, a magic pill, or some simple act of wizarding to get this sweet bod into shape? Why can’t fitness be easy? And as you stare out the window polishing off the remnants of last night’s fudge sundae, you notice your neighbor jogging down the street for the seventh time this week like an old man with arthritis. He looks pretty fit.

And suddenly it clicks. You realize getting into shape is easy. There’s no secret weapon or advanced methodology. All it takes is repetition. Just a little bit every day. If Doug can do it, so can you. So you dust off the peanut shavings, slap on your activewear, and run after your neighbor like a three-legged dog. For a moment, you feel the rush of excitement. You feel more alive than you have in years…until half a mile into your first jog of the decade when you realize you’d rather die than have to repeat this activity every single day for the rest of your life.

Join the club. Then sell your activewear. It’s time to enter a whole new era of you. You’ll find it somewhere inside the colorful muumuu of your choice and the recliner you’ve spent years molding into the perfect shape. Hello, summer!

Cover Photo: Nick Dolding (Getty Images)


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