A Handy Guide of What to Do in an Elevator Alone With Jeff Bezos

There are a great many fears that plague Americans daily, whether creeping through crawlspaces or crossing questionable bridges, but it’s nothing compared to being stuck alone in an elevator with Jeff Bezos.

That’s right up there with being Will Smith’s publicist.

Luckily for you, we’ve come prepared with a handy guide on what to do if ever stuck in such a situation with the Amazon idiot. Because let’s face it, it’s not the first or last time you’ll have to endure the presence of a dickhead.

Wax Poetic About the Importance of Eating and Going to the Restroom

If there is anything that Jeff Bezos hates more than non-penis-shaped rockets, it’s when his Amazon workers want to eat or empty their bladders. But if you wax poetic about how an empty bladder makes you faster and lighter, surely you’ll catch his ear. Those packages inside of packages (inside of bubblewrap) aren’t going to tape themselves. Maybe point out that even slaves, historically, were given weekly rations of sweet potatoes and corn. Just saying…

If that doesn’t help, you could calm his inner rage by reading him a good bedtime story for capitalist sociopaths, such as Machiavelli’s The Prince or Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations.

Casually Broach Your Suspicions That Mom & Pop Shops Are a Bunch of Scam Artists

Although Bezos boasts about helping millions of start-ups, the fact remains Amazon has sent thousands of mom and pop shops into poverty despite not paying his fair share of taxes. But after showing him your favorite photos of bulldozers plowing down lush landscapes to put up gaudy warehouses, you two can each have one of those evil laughs together in this death trap with nice acoustics you’re stuck in.

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Agree Everyone Can Be Rich (After a $300,000 Loan From Their Parents)

If for some reason you are unable to get same-day shipping on an elevator operator, you’ll want your time stuck with the second richest man on the planet to go as smoothly as possible. Just talk about what suckers most people are for not having someone give them a $300,000 loan to start their business. ”

And who’s dumb enough to pay taxes?

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Joke About How You, Too, Love to Spray Champagne on Strangers While They’re Talking

Every red-blooded American should have two bottles of top-shelf champs to end the day. One for shaking and spraying on total strangers, the other for shaking and spraying on total strangers while ignoring a legendary actor whilst he pours his heart out on live television. The only thing you’re pouring is one out on Shatner’s space boots.

Play Swords With Penis-Shaped Mobiles

The two of you can bond over inadequacies and complete lack of personality by putting a picture of his penis-shaped rocket next to your penis-shaped car, then play a rousing game of swords using flaccid sounds of lightsabers in an attempt to recreate the boyhood you never had because your fathers never loved you.

Maybe Jeff could be your dad, you know, if he wasn’t evil incarnate.

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Offer to Clean His Megayacht

You know he’s going to try and belittle you by showing you his “bigly” yacht. So beat him to the punch by offering to clean it after his new megayacht gets egged by the lovely folks of Rotterdam, right before reminding him that the United Nations will probably seize or blow it up thinking he’s Putin.

“You sadistic sociopaths kind of all look alike, don’t you?”

by Michael Hayne