We’re not haters. Really, we’re not. We like wealthy, famous people as much as anyone else. Without them, many of Mandatory’s stories would be, well, nonexistent. But c’mon, let’s face it, some celebrities truly deserve to get deep-sixed in the ocean.
Since we don’t believe in waste, we might as well put their soon-to-be waterlogged corpses to good use. And what better possible use could there be for a dead celebrity than an anchor on “Y271,” Jeff Bezos’s megayacht?
Anchors aweigh!
Cover Photo: Harry Langdon / Contributor (Getty Images)
celebrities anchors
-
10. Mayim Bialik
As the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek was beloved. When he left this mortal coil, finding a suitable replacement was no small task. With a doctorate in neuroscience, which she put to good use playing fictional neuroscientist Amy Farrah Fowler on the ultimate nerd sitcom, The Big Bang Theory, Bialik was a solid choice to take Trebek's hosting gig—until she went off-script (and off the rails), changing the name of the show’s first round of questions to “Single Jeopardy.” Seeing as how guillotines aren’t readily available, chucking her overboard seems appropriate.
-
9. Robert DeNiro
The man’s a brilliant actor. No denying that. But when he actually complained that he was no longer earning enough money to keep up with the expenses of his multiple cars and homes, hating him wasn't just easy, it was necessary.
-
8. Don Jr. and Eric Trump
Listing all the reasons why the Trump brothers should be sent on a one-way trip to Davey Jones Locker would require multiple servers. Cutting to the quick, just look at any of their most recent tweets and you can pick your poison—or theirs. If for no other reason, sending them to the sea floor will undoubtedly save a shitload of furry creatures that they enjoy bagging and mounting on their walls.
-
7. Will Smith
If we’re being brutally honest, Smith slapping comedian Chris Rock was the most interesting thing to happen at the Oscars since...ever. But because all Will Smith’s film projects are being canceled, and many are finding it fashionable to hate on him right now, if only to show their support for Rock, we don’t want to disappoint our readers.
-
6. Mel Gibson
Yes, Mel gave us Braveheart and Hacksaw Ridge, and let’s not forget Apocalypto (uh, why?). But he also gave Jews serious heartburn, especially considering many funded his films. But don’t worry, we’ll say a berachah before we chuck him over the side.
-
5. Tucker Carlson and Marjorie Taylor Greene
When all Republicans, including those on the far right, want you to disappear, you know you’ve really screwed the pooch. Fox News said they’d supply the chain. We intend to take them up on the offer.
-
4. R. Kelly
Does anyone actually believe he’s innocent? Anyone? Didn’t think so. The fact that taxpayer money is going to be spent on him makes no sense whatsoever. And while we really hate to pollute the ocean, we think even the fish would approve.
-
3. Bill Cosby
Doesn’t matter that he’s old and blind—we’re not giving out sympathetic free passes. Especially not to a serial rapist who masqueraded as “America’s dad.”
-
2. Steven Seagal
Forget the fact that Seagal willingly gave up his US passport. Forget the fact that he considers Vladimir Putin a “good man and a great friend.” Forget the fact that he beat up his former wife, Kelly LeBrock. Steven Seagal gave the world Contract To Kill, quite possibly the worst action film ever made. Hell, make that the worst movie ever made, period. Human Centipede is an Oscar contender in comparison. You don’t get a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score for nothing!
-
1. Michael Vick
This NFL quarterback turned canine-torturer/murderer paid for his crimes with a year-and-a-half behind bars, but ask anyone who loves dogs and the fact that this piece of shit was not only allowed to see the light of day but actually resume his pro football career has many wishing they could do to him what he did to those poor pups. Considering vengeance isn’t legal (yet!), this is the next best thing.
