The 8 Days of Quarantine Christmas (A Parody For Solo Celebrators)
So, this is Christmas. And what have you done? Well, if you’ve been a responsible human this season, hopefully you haven’t done very much. With apologies to John and Yoko, war may be over, but the pandemic is not. Whether we’re trying to socially distance ourselves by choice, or fate has forced us to quarantine, many of us will be celebrating Christmas solo.
Just like when Richie Cunningham caught The Fonz heating up ravioli by himself on Happy Days, many of us will be partaking in Christmas dinner by ourselves or, if we’re lucky, with our cat. It’s not ideal, but it’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make to hopefully, finally, put this godforsaken year of COVID behind us. We wish we could say we had any semblance of Christmas spirit but, this year, we’re less Buddy the Elf, more Grinch. And that’s OK. As long as we have copious amounts of alcohol, a few Christmas lights, and Die Hard and Batman Returns on repeat, we should be OK.
Still, these next eight days may prove difficult, and we’re expecting various emotions to reveal themselves like the ghost of Christmas past. We’re not trying to be Scrooge, but circumstances have dictated it. In an attempt to rekindle that elusive Christmas spirit, we’ve taken to writing songs. You should hear our versions of “O’ Holy Shit (This Year Sucks)” and “I’ll Stay Home for Christmas.” Instant classics. For the purposes of this article, however, we wanted to highlight what will be a roller coaster of emotions over the next eight days. You’ve heard of the “12 Days of Christmas,” but allow us to perform, for you, “The 8 Days of Quarantine Christmas.”
For reference, here is the original song. We recommend singing along with our version as well.
Photo Credit: Nevena1987 (Getty Images)
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On the 1st day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
...a sad, tiny, barely lit tree.
What's even the point of getting a big tree? There's nobody to decorate it with and we left all of our ornaments with our ex.
On the 2nd day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
...two months of self-love.
Wanna know the saddest thing in the world? Continually masturbating as Christmas Eve turns into Christmas Day. Still, self-love is better than no love.
On the 3rd day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
...three French bread (pizzas).
We know we have to eat something throughout the week, since nobody will be sitting down to a Christmas roast beef. We weighed our options and decided on French bread pizzas dipped in ranch.
On the 4th day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
...four hours of calling an ex.
Eventually they're going to pick up, we just know it. What could possibly be more important to them on Christmas than listening to our drunken ramblings and french bread pizza burps?
On the 5th day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
To be fair, we live in a constant state of self-loathing, so not much has changed in that regard.
On the 6th day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
...six PS5 games playing.
On the bright side, at least we're getting some human interaction, via our friends on the PlayStation Network. Someone pass us Spider-Man.
On the 7th day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
...seven straight days drinking.
If ever there was a time to embark on an epic drinking binge, it's during the week of Christmas.
On the 8th day of Christmas, quarantine gave to me...
...eight days of sulking.
It's up to us if we want to draw the blinds, wear the same pair of sweat pants for all eight days, and stay in bed all day on Christmas.