Dissecting ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’: What It Would Be Like to Literally Get All These Terrible Gifts
We all know the classic holiday tune “The 12 Days of Christmas.” It’s repetitive, kind of annoying, and seems to last for hours. The only thing we could imagine being worse than the song itself would be to actually receive the onslaught of gifts from the ditty.
We decided to go through the terrible gifts that someone’s supposed “true love” gifted them, while explaining just how awful and rude they really are. Check them all out below and give your loved ones gift cards this year instead or any swans, pipers, or milking maids.
Photo: Drazen Lovric (Getty Images)
A partridge in a pear tree.
OK, let’s break this one down. You’re literally going to receive a pear tree that supposedly has a partridge perched in it. As long as it isn’t Keith Partridge this one isn’t too crazy. You can plant the tree and give away the bird.
Two turtle doves.
This gift isn’t crazy. Although we honestly wouldn’t tell anyone to give a bird (or two birds) as a gift. You can get a cage and find a nice spot in front of a window for the duo to enjoy.
Three French hens.
If you live in an apartment, this gift is going to be problematic. If you own your own home, put them in a chicken coop and you’ll have all the eggs you can eat. Omelets galore. We can get behind that.
Four calling birds.
What the heck is a calling bird? We did the tiniest amount of research possible and some people think the gift might actually be blackbirds. We honestly don’t want blackbirds flying around our house. This is not a good gift.
Five gold rings.
This is strangest gift of all because it’s actually a really good gift. Who wouldn’t want five gold rings? You can up your style profile by wearing them all at once or sell them for a big profit.
OK, we don’t need one goose, let alone six. Geese are well-known for their bad attitude. We don’t want these giant, angry birds waddling around our house. A gift card would have been fine.
First geese and now swans? If you didn’t know it already, we don’t have a pond or lake in our back yard. We don’t know where these swans are going to swim and it definitely isn’t going to be in our bathtub.
We are definitely not on board with giving someone a human (let alone multiple humans) as a gift. Also, we assume these maids will be milking cows. Where are we going to put eight maids and adjacent cows? Our house isn’t that big.
Nine ladies dancing.
Not only do we not need nine ladies, but we also definitely don’t want them dancing around willy nilly, bumping into things and crashing through windows. Do they dance forever? Not only is this troubling, but it seems unfair for them.
This is starting to get crazy. First, we have a bunch of ladies twerking all over the house, now we have a gaggle of lords jumping up and down in perpetuity. Won’t their legs get tired? This is awful.
Eleven pipers piping.
Let’s get this straight. Someone thinks that not only is it a great idea to give the gift of an army of annoyingly gyrating men and women, now we have to deal with a bunch of jerks constantly playing bagpipes? Please stop.
Twelve drummers drumming.
Just when we thought things couldn’t get worse, they did. Now that we have a house full of birds and people, we have to deal with twelve people banging on drums? How will we sleep?
Meanwhile in Massachusetts: Holiday Enthusiast Plants Christmas Trees in Potholes, Not the Brightest of Ideas
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