The Mandatory White House Handbook to Successful Contact Tracing of a Contagious Disease
President Trump may be playing off his coronavirus diagnosis as no big deal, but the number of people he has infected along the way is huge – and growing. The Washington Post has reported that the number of people in Trump’s circle who have tested positive for coronavirus is now greater than those infected in Taiwan. (Way to go! You actually accomplished something!)
While contract tracers have been trying to figure out who might be at risk of coronavirus due to contact with the most reckless president ever, according to the LA Times, “the White House is averse to contact tracing because it is not eager to reveal who has visited the White House — information that past administrations had made public.” (Stormy Daniels? Is that you?)
Contract tracers are probably banging their heads against the walls due to the futility of following in the tracks of the world’s biggest weasel, but that’s OK. We’ve got them covered. This is the Mandatory White House Handbook to Successful Contact Tracing of a Contagious Disease.
Cover Photo: Chip Somodevilla / Staff (Getty Images)
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Make an educated guess.
You know the saying “Trust but verify?” Yeah, that doesn’t apply here. No one is going to tell the truth. You’ll just have to guess when the president started experiencing symptoms, when his last negative COVID-19 result was, what kinds of drugs are currently pumping through his veins, etc. Good luck with that.
Demand an extended quarantine.
We could all use a long break from Trump and everyone associated with him. How about 30 days? That’d be ideal. See you post-election, people!
Expand your search to, oh, the entire country.
President Trump is quite the attention whore and he traveled heavily to schmooze in the weeks leading up to his positive coronavirus test announcement. The following states were recently (dis)graced by his presence: Florida, Georgia, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Minnesota, and New Jersey.
Follow the money.
Trump very well may have had coronavirus – and may have even known he had it – yet plowed ahead with fundraisers in at least two states before announcing his positive test. Would you like a side of deadly virus with your $100K-a-plate dinner?
The Supreme Court justice nominee has admitted she tested positive for coronavirus this summer. Well, depending on your definition of summer, that could have been as recent as Sept. 21. (The first official day of fall was Sept. 22 this year.) A Rose Garden ceremony was held on Sept. 26 to celebrate her nomination. 100 people attended, most without masks and zero social distancing. Let’s just assume it’s all her fault.
He may be the only person on the side of science in the White House and we'd bet he could pinpoint the in-house superspreaders.
Assume the blondes have it.
Is it a coincidence that there always seems to be a cheerleading team’s worth of young, beautiful, blonde women surrounding Trump? (Including his daughters. Eww.) Imagine you’re a horndog president and let your libido lead you to the many women he likely infected.
Wait for nature to take its course.
Some things can only be known in hindsight. There is no effective way to contact-trace in this administration. Let natural selection take over, then mop up the mess. You just might find they all died from syphilis in the end.
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