Honest Timeline: Your First Day Of Work Out Of College
Regardless if you realize it or not, an essential part of growing up is abandoning the slacker lifestyle you adopted in college. Unfortunately, it will make you feel like you’ve given up a life of fun to be chained to a desk for the foreseeable future. Even though you might think you have a clear grasp of this reality thanks to that internship you had, think again. Once you’re officially on the clock, everything changes. If you’re not ready for it, you’re going to suffer. So, prepare yourself for the heartbreaking reality of your first day of work at your big kid job after graduating with these helpful tips.
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Work in 15, still 25 minutes from getting there. Waiting in line with other worker bees, thinking of swerving off the road into a ditch. Just smile, your mom told you. Maybe you'll just get your Masters.
You're late, but nobody knows who the fuck you are (except, of course, the receptionist, strike 1). Taking a look around the room, you realize these are not people you want in your life. And what the hell is going on, yoga or a seance?
Two hours in, boss finally skates in like he owns the place. OK, he does. A cacophony of phones, printers, forced water-cooler talk fills your ears. And to think, just yesterday you were sleeping until noon.
Is it lunch yet? Faking work and scrolling Twitter until someone tells you what to do. You get your first work email, then reply all a funny GIF you'd send your friends of a child dancing like a stripper. That's appropriate, don't think twice. Strike 2.
Why is nobody getting up for lunch? Drafting a formal complaint, I have very low blood-sugar!
Never mind, they do do lunch. But I still quit! (At least for the next 30 minutes.)
Spent 20 minutes in a hot car eating leftover Taco Bell, zero on the Joy Scale. Cold and lifeless, just like you. Considering moving to Bali to start a pilates gym. You don't know a thing about pilates.
Back to work! Your boss calls you by the wrong name after asking why you're here (apparently doesn't realize you work for him). Closing the porn on your computer, you smile and nod.
Made a distasteful stop-motion cartoon of me having sex with the receptionist on an entire Post-It pad. Figuring out how to email it out, that's appropriate.
Receptionist says the boss wants to see you again. Probably to congratulate on a solid first day or motivating speech.
Apparently he get notified about employees logging into inappropriate websites. Strike 3, you're out.
"Screw you assholes, I quit!" as you strut out like you own the place. Everyone inside looks at one another, nobody has a clue who the fuck you are.
Expectations vs. reality: Your Life After College Graduation
How did you get through the soul-crushing reality of leaving your freedom behind when you got a real job? Let us know in the comments!