5 Reasons Why Dentists Are Killing It On Halloween

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Holy cow. Who knew? It’s not werewolves or vampires that make a killing on Halloween. It’s your dentist.

According to a new CNBC report, emergency dental runs spike like crazy — an 80 percent jump — during Halloween weekend. Why? Because so many people crack their teeth eating candy.

This begs the question — what the hell are people doing with candy these days? Not to go all “elder millennial” on you, but when we were kids, we had mini Kit-Kats, Snickers, candy corn, and the occasional infamous needle-in-the-candy-apple to worry about. So what’s so dangerous about Halloween candy now? We have some guesses.

1. Kids are getting some weird candy.

There’s a lot of new options out there…like candy with bugs in it.

Photo: Cristian Bortes / EyeEm (Getty Images)

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2. People don’t know what they’re biting into.

It can be overwhelming when you have a bucket full of junk and you’re really just used to munching on chocolate or the occasional Sour Patch Kid. Tread carefully when biting into something you’ve never had before. It could be a jawbreaker, literally.

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3. Sometimes it takes more than just a few licks.

We used to worry about getting to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but today it appears there are more types of lollipops than ever, some egregiously huge. Are you impatient? That could go sour real fast.

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4. Meth is rampant.

Not to blame everything on methamphetamine, but police are warning trick-or-treaters not to bite on meth pills that look like candy this year. We all know what meth does to your teeth.

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5. Witches are everywhere.

Is it just us or are there exponentially more witches today than when we were kids? A new Sabrina? What the heck? Watch out for a hex that goes beyond a standard toothache.

Photo: Krister Parmstrand / EyeEm (Getty Images)

Josh Helmuth is a sports reporter in St. Louis who will take a donut over a candy bar any day. His worst nightmare is the one where you lose all your teeth.