Our First Purge: Oh, The Places We’d Go!

Photo: Universal Pictures

With The First Purge in theaters, it’s got us thinking about the first places we’d immediately purge if there was a government-sanctioned, consequence-free killing spree to be had. Basically, this is our opportunity to air our grievances with society and call out people who better shape up before this thing gets legalized. Oh, the places we would go!

9. Starbucks

A corporate entity that swallows small businesses whole and spits them out in the same breath because the “coffee” they serve tastes like radioactive jet fuel? The same place that refuses to adhere to the standard measuring system of small, medium and large? The one that gets their customers arrested but also houses would-be screenwriters who think their Tinder experiences warrant a memoir? The same kind of customers who correct people on their use of “your” and “you’re” as if they’re some kind of pseudo-intellectual? You mean the pseudo-intellectuals we could just strangle them in broad daylight with zero remorse if we didn’t have our morning coffee?

Yeah, Starbucks seems like a good jumping-off point.

8. Bird Scooter HQ

They’re everything that’s wrong with society right now. Or at the least, a common symptom. Some call it a Bird-emic. Some might call it Lime disease. I call it trash.

The hip, new app-inspired scooter companies — who seem fine with people leaving their ride-share bird shit in my front yard — are inspiring people to have even less accountability for their actions (somehow) by letting them continue on with littering their lives away without ever owning or taking care of something like an adult.

That goes triple for anyone over 40.

7. Vape Shops

Whatever happened to having good old-fashioned drug dealers who rolled up grass doobies? Electric vape lines and legalized weed shops are ruining the very essence of drugs!

Public pot shops are scaring off the weed man (or hiring him with a substandard healthcare package) and making people stand out front of shops with signs to solicit overpriced and barely legal prescriptions requiring a legitimate health concern. No, I don’t have glaucoma, but I do like to get stoned to the very bone, have a mini freak out and eat Bagel Bites with my Netflix to calm myself down.

Now stop blowing your damn vape smoke in my face!

6. Baseball Stadiums

Baseball has gotten pretty boring. Either let them cork the bats, take steroids, or light the place up with a healthy purge. I’d start with the mascots. Then I’d probably push a few hot dog vendors down those tall, narrow concrete stairs.

You know, this is starting to make a lot of sense.

5. The DMV

We like the idea of the DMV — people think they know what they’re going to get when they get there — but it’s even worse than imagined. A good purge might make it more entertaining, at the very least. That line would move right along, too.

Speaking of crime and utter chaos all rolled into one: RANKED! The 5 Greatest Live-Action Takes On The Joker

4. McDonald’s

Anybody who goes to McDonald’s for a salad should be getting shanked in the drive-thru. At least have the decency to go in and face the fast food server like a man.

The only thing green at a McDonald’s should be the vomit in the men’s room, which probably looks a lot like the original meal itself.

3. Reno, St. Louis, And Every Other Pointless City

Reno is like a poor man’s Vegas and needs some hard discipline. If you’re going to half-ass a shitty city, you don’t even deserve to be a poor man’s Las Vegas, home of the cocaine buffet and people who lost their wallet and never got out.

But more than any place in the world, we’d start with St. Louis. Those people are out of their freaking minds. It is, after all, the shittiest city in America. Their biggest attraction is an arch that tries to make a train wreck look like a masterpiece from far away.

2. Social Media & Dating Apps

If at all possible, we’d like to get into the Tinder, Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram apps and start digitally purging all the Instagram models, scientologists, scam artists and people selling skincare products to their friends. Really thin out the herd.

The only thing worse is people who don’t pick up after their dogs (or the ones who celebrate Christmas in July).

1.  The White House

Our nation’s capital has a fairly impressive turnover rate. Perhaps if we focus on certain parts of the White House, specifically the Oval Office, we might get the proper purge we’re looking for.

Where would you go for your first purge? Well, besides all of these places in one night like a sick Santa with a shotgun.