A female black widow spider (Latrodectus), hanging upside-down in her web, showing the red hourglass marking.

Florida Man Called 911 Because His Wife Was A ‘Black Widow Spider’

Photo: Kimberly Hosey (Getty)

Not every man makes the right decision when it comes to choosing the right lady to spend the rest of his life with, and I think it’s safe to say that choosing a woman who is really a black widow spider falls into that poor choice category.

According to The Smoking Gun, a 61-year-old retired lawyer in Tarpon Springs called 911 early Tuesday morning because his wife was…wait for it…a black widow spider.

Authorities said William Rutger first called 911 at 1:30 a.m. to report that his wife was a spider, and he wanted her to be “involuntarily admitted for a mental examination per the state’s Baker Act.” That call led to Officer Jacob Miller showing up on Rutger’s doorstep and explaining to the intoxicated ex-lawyer that 911 was only to be used for emergencies and that his current condition was keeping him from making “coherent thoughts.”

Instead of sleeping it off, Rutger decided to give 911 another jingle at 3 a.m., and that call is what eventually led to Officer Miller making a return appearance to his residence and placing him in handcuffs. Rutger eventually pled no contest to the charge of misusing the 911 system and paid $500 in fines and court costs.

The Smoking Gun’s team of researchers also learned that Rutger has prior convictions for battery and drunk driving on his record, which once again begs the question, “This fucking guy was a lawyer?”

Hello, 911? Yeah, my wife stole my blow: Ohio Man Called 911 Because He Thought His Wife Stole His Cocaine