Honest Timeline: Attending a Super Bowl Party When You’re Not a Football Fan
Super Bowl Sunday is a major social event. If you’re not at a party, you’re doing something wrong. But what if you’re not a football fan? Whether you just don’t understand the rules, think the sport is beneath your intelligence, or prefer the ballet version of men prancing around in tights, sitting through several hours of football fanaticism can be exhausting. But you’ll do it because you don’t want to be that one lame friend who doesn’t show up to root for the favored team. To prepare you for what will be hours of shouting at the TV, belch-inducing beverages, and sloppy snack food, we’ve constructed this honest timeline for attending a Super Bowl party when you’re not a football fan. We’ll get through this together, one play at a time.
Cover Photo: Robert Deutschman (Getty Images)
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30 Minutes Before Kickoff
You don't know why you agreed to attend this party (OK, yes you do: to project an image of masculinity) but here you are. You're welcomed by jersey-donning football fanatics. It's going to be a long night.
25 Minutes Before Kickoff
You muster as much sports-related enthusiasm as you can, hoping no one guesses your secret: that you're not a football fan.
15 Minutes Before Kickoff
One of the sports nuts brings out a chalkboard and starts drawing out predictions about how the plays will go down. You can't understand any of it. The lines look like a fucked up Etch-a-Sketch.
5 Minutes Into the Game
Every time an NFL player messes up, dudes chime in about how they could've made the play perfectly. Given their guts and ages, you seriously doubt it.
15 Minutes Into the Game
Dudes seem to be shouting a lot, so you join in, repeating the only football term you know. You don't think anyone has caught on to your ignorance yet.
45 Minutes Into the Game
You've heard that Super Bowl Sunday ads are epic, but you don't get the jokes on most of them. Some even make you extremely uncomfortable, especially the beer ones. Still, you force as many fake laughs as you can.
2 Hours Into the Game
You thought the ads were bad, but they're nothing compared to the halftime show. Are these performances supposed to be sexy? You feel as aroused as a castrated man. If this is what passes as entertainment, you don't want to be entertained anymore.
3 Hours Into the Game
Someone drops a bucket of wings on the buffet table. You dig in, finally reaching a place of bliss you didn't know was possible while watching sports. These wings are your one true love and you will watch as much football as is necessary to keep eating them.
3 1/2 Hours Into the Game
Miracle of miracles, a woman approaches you despite the sauce on your face and your growing mountain of chicken bones. She doesn't like football, either. You think you're on the verge of flirtation when she asks you if you know where the bathroom is. You direct her and vow to try flirting again when she returns.
4 Hours Into the Game
"Your" team wins! The volume level in the room skyrockets. Fans cheer and jump and spray one another with beer. You join in, even though the only thing you're excited about is getting to leave this excruciatingly long party.
1 Minute After the Game
You take a victory selfie even though you couldn't care less about the game's outcome. Image is everything.
10 Minutes After the Game
The letdown hits you. There are no more chicken wings. The bathroom woman is gone. You've wasted your whole Sunday watching stupid sports and tomorrow is Monday and you'll have to slog back to work. You sit in a corner and weep. When people see you crying, they assume you were rooting for the losing team. Let them think that. The truth is too embarrassing.