12 New Year’s Resolutions We Wish Upon Famous People (Who Could Use Some Work)

New Year’s Eve is a crushing day full of expectation and regret as the weight of an entire year stands on our neck like some unflappable loan shark whispering in our ear not to fuck this up again next year. And so we make resolutions, promises to ourselves, made under the duress of time’s boot heel, that we will do better and be better. We tell ourselves this year is going to be the best we’ve ever had. And for a moment, we believe it. Until sometime around February or March when we realize that resolutions might as well be fairytales. That is unless you’re famous. Because celebrities already live in fairytales, resolutions are well within their grasp. So in the spirit of giving, we thought we’d wish a few resolutions upon a dozen of our friends on high, so they may make the world a better place (and live happily ever after).

Photo: Gilbert Carrasquillo (Getty Images)

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