Honest Timeline: The Single Guy Swinging Into His New Year’s Eve Party (Or Lack Thereof)
New Year’s Eve, the night you’ve been waiting for all year, is almost here. For a single dude, this is the ultimate party opportunity. But before you put on your festive hat, pour yourself a drink, and start scanning the crowd for someone to kiss at midnight, you better be prepared for what you’re about to walk into. New Year’s Eve isn’t an easy event to navigate. Peruse our honest timeline so you know what to expect when the ball drops.
Cover Photo: Anna Bizon (Getty Images)
Give it up already: No Resolution Is The New Resolution
You've decided to skip all the New Year's Eve brouhaha and Netflix-and-chill with yourself and a joint. You're just digging into a big bowl of popcorn when your buddy calls, begging you to be his wingman at a party he was invited to. He's damn convincing. Fine. You'll go. The Irishman can wait.
You meet up with your buddy, who's already well on his way to inebriated. Ah, well, what else are holidays for but losing inhibitions and letting loose? You pour yourself a glass of whiskey and vow to catch up to his level of drunkenness before proceeding to the party.
Things looks promising. There are a lot of women busting a move on the dance floor. Hopefully, they have their beer goggles firmly on and won't notice your embarrassingly bad moves as you shimmy towards the horde.
You swagger up to the prettiest party-goer and turn on the charm, using every slick line in the book and plying her with bottomless cocktails.
To your surprise, your seduction attempt is succeeding. She's cute, chatty, and seems into you. Now it's just a question of keeping the momentum going until midnight, when you can kiss her and ask if she wants to start the new year off right...back at your place.
All was going well until your princess turned into a pumpkin. Or a blubbering, drunk mess. You can't remember how you got on the topic of her ex, but however you got there, it was a mistake and now you're at a point of no return. The eyeliner is running down her face, her chin is wobbling like a Claire Danes impersonator, and she's about to pop another bottle of Champagne. You excuse yourself, saying you have to go to the bathroom. What you don't say is you have absolutely no intention of returning.
The headliner takes the stage. There are so many crotches bumping and grinding in your face you think you might vomit. Or maybe that's all the alcohol, which you somehow need more of despite the upset stomach. You can't believe you paid a cover fee to be here. Your couch at home sounds so much better right now.
You scan the bar for a lonely lady to sidle up to before the ball drops, but you're shit out of luck. Then an overdressed doofus in a pointy hat corners you, confusing you for someone named "Lieutenant Dan." He's shouting "Happy New Year!" over and over again in your face. If there is a god, you pray he puts you out of your misery ASAP.
Miracle of miracles, just as the clock strikes midnight, a beautiful blonde bumps into you as you try to flee for the exit, wraps her arms around your neck, and plants one on you. It's the best kiss you've ever had. If only it lasted longer.
You groggily come to on your couch as the sunshine streams in your windows. Shit. It's New Year's Day, 2020. What happened last night? Where's the midnight kiss woman? Muscles you didn't know you had ache and you have popcorn kernels stuck between your teeth. You see a midnight text from your buddy that says, "You're missing out!" And that's when you realize it was all a dream...and vow to never stay in another New Year's Eve again.