15 Terrifyingly Good Guesses As to Who Will Replace Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in ‘Ghostbusters: Afterlife’
With the first trailer for Ghostbusters: Afterlife finally unveiled, the franchise seems more reliant on nostalgia than ever. With Gozer and other characters like Slimer seemingly making a return for the upcoming sequel, one question remains: will the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man also make an appearance in the film? As it turns out, the producers of the film have been working hard to find a replacement for the big puffy giant in the new movie. Here are 15 terrifyingly good guesses as to who is on the studio’s shortlist to replace the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters: Afterlife.
Cover Photo: Sony Pictures
We need answers: 7 Questions We Have About The ‘Ghostbusters: Afterlife’ Trailer
Drunk Nancy Pelosi
It’s hard to imagine doctored footage of a 50-foot tall drunk Nancy Pelosi lumbering down the streets of Manhattan. Yet, there’s something supremely terrifying about Pelosi yelling at average citizens about how disinformation is the death of democracy.
Big Baby Yoda
While a normal-sized Baby Yoda is absolutely adorable, a Stay Puft-sized Baby Yoda would undoubtedly have the entire world on its hands and knees to the deity that he is.
Naked Harvey Weinstein
Nobody wants to see a giant, naked Harvey Weinstein attempting to gain sympathy by using a walker while handing out cash settlements to his rape victims. Nobody.
R. Kelly (Pissing on People)
Although R. Kelly is currently in jail, it turns out that Dave Chappelle has accepted the role to convince ordinary citizens that, in his own words, “I’m fighting for my fucking life!” At the same time, he’s also giving out free golden showers to any women who are willing.
Mitch McConnell's Gullet
Even though Mitch McConnell is arguably the most deplorable politician working today, his massive gullet is far scarier than any of his policies. It’s hard to deny that an oversized version of McConnell’s gullet yelling at people on the street about how he’s going to repeal Obamacare is far scarier than the infamous marshmallow man could ever be.
Kanye West (As Jesus)
If there’s anything more terrifying than a Stay Puft-sized version of regular Kanye West, it’s Jesus Kanye West. That’s right, a silver Kanye that is continually forcing people to listen to his awful religious music is far more horrifying than any of the other atrocities that have happened throughout his career so far.
Dan Aykroyd (Pleading With People to Like the Movie)
This just in: Dan Aykroyd has cast himself as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Representatives for the actor say that, amidst his rapidly diminishing career prospects, Aykroyd hopes to not only take on his next significant role but also to convince people that Ghostbusters: Afterlife will actually be a good movie (hint: based on the trailer, it probably won't).
Bill Cosby Pre-Pudding Pop
Bill Cosby has returned from prison to the titular role of the “pudding pop man” to sexually assault the eyes of viewers and express a lack of remorse for his actions in the process.
Matt Lauer Pre-#MeToo
Let’s be honest; Matt Lauer seems like a prototypical douchebag. However, after being unceremoniously fired two years ago amidst rape allegations, Lauer is ready to make his big comeback by victim-shaming his way out of obscurity as a giant version of himself.
Flavored Vape Pen (The Size of a Skyscraper)
Its every parent’s worst nightmare come to life: a flavored vape pen the size of a skyscraper corrupting the youth of America with massive clouds of e-cigarette smoke.
Boris Johnson (With Morning Breath)
We all know that Boris Johnson has perhaps the worst hygiene of any working politician working today. Behold, as a 50-foot tall version of Johnson attacks innocent people with his atomic morning breath, then proceeds to hide in a refrigerator to avoid an interview with Piers Morgan.
Lindsey Graham (Post-Election)
As the only politician more hypocritical than Mitch McConnell's gullet, Lindsey Graham seems primed to replace Stay Puft for his breakout Hollywood role. As it turns out, Graham is willing to provide a bevy of sanctimonious quotes for the film that will undoubtedly implode his chances at Hollywood stardom – just as with his unsuccessful presidential run in 2016. In other words, the role would explore the GOP’s codependent relationship with Donald Trump for relevance, through the eyes of a mere senator.
Rudy Giuliani With a Cell Phone
For years, Rudy Giuliani has remained the living embodiment of incompetent political elders who just can’t figure out technology. Witness as a large, oversized Giuliani attempts to use his phone for two hours, including a few butt dials for good measure.
Kim Kardashian's Ass
Kim Kardashian’s ass pretty much has its own zip code, which makes it the perfect candidate to replace the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in the new movie. They’re both firm but plump, while also being totally recognizable pieces of pop culture that are simultaneously total fabrications of a fictional reality. Considering that Kardashian is apparently now sick of her infamous backside, her fake ass seems primed to break out in its big acting debut for the new movie.
Donald Trump (Just Being Himself)
There’s nothing scarier than a several hundred feet tall marshmallow-shaped version of Donald Trump doing what he does best – being himself. That’s it. That’s the tweet.