Say what you want about America. We’re loud, lazy, and can’t fix our bridges. But one thing we can do is eat a shit ton of pizza. In fact, we eat more pizza than the rest of the world combined. And that’s exactly why we have an entire day dedicated to it, a 24-hour span of time on February 9 where patriotic Americans will consume upwards of 20 million pizzas. (Thank you National Pizza Day!)
But National Pizza Day is about so much more than just enjoying a slice or two. It’s about stuffing our faces with enough cheesy crust to walk wrong for three days straight. It’s about staring down an extra-large dough goddess and courageously devouring her with a 2-liter of pop as our insides threaten to clot.
But we don’t want to skirt this gorgeously saucy near-death experience by gorging on just any pizza. We’re Americans. We want the best. So today we’re rounding up every style of pie and throwing them into a cage match to watch their soft, glutenous bodies fight to the death.
Are you ready to let the pepperoni fly? Meet your contenders and find out which pie will reign supreme on America’s greatest national holiday since Free Donut Day.
Cover Photo: Jonathan Mendoza / EyeEm (Getty Images)
Are you kidding? It’s pizza! God’s greatest gift to mankind and the best food with little to no nutritional value that we could eat every day. This entire deathmatch was just an excuse to binge pizza porn in an act of gratuitous foreplay for the cheesy wet dream to come. Just thank your lucky stars pizza is even in your life. And make sure you go out and grab a pie on National Pizza Day or you’ll have seven years of bad pizza.