The New York Transit Guide to Not Defecating on Your Subway Train
New York is known for many things — Broadway, its delicious pizza, being the city that never sleeps — but it’s not known for its clean, accessible, abundant public restrooms. Public urination is a common occurrence in the Big Apple, but if you unexpectedly have to go No. 2, you’re shit out of luck. This is doubly true on the subway, where there’s no escape when nature calls. That said, with a little bit of foresight, you can avoid the unfortunate fate of crapping your pants on public transit. We’re going to show you how.
Cover Photo: NBC
Most people have a rhythm to their daily doody. Pay attention to yours and, when possible, avoid planning outings during your usual bathroom time.
Go before you go.
Obvious advice, but so often unheeded. Remember in preschool when your teacher forced the whole class to go to the bathroom even if you didn't have to go? It was for a good reason then and it's still a good idea now.
Avoid offending foods.
Having a Taco Bell buffet before getting on the subway is asking for trouble. Steer clear of any food that fast-tracks your digestion.
Make a pit stop.
There are some public restrooms in New York; you just need to know where to find them. A few suggestions: Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, Grand Central, and Madison Square Park. If you're really desperate, pop into any New York City Police Department station; if you ask, they'll allow you to use their facilities.
Channel your inner He-Man and clench the eff out of your sphincter. It's just another muscle, after all. Now squeeze!
Wear a diaper.
If there's even a chance you won't make it through your train ride without dropping a deuce, plan ahead and wear an adult diaper. Nobody has to know.
If you sense that you're not going to make it to your destination safely, skip the subway altogether and just walk. That way, if you have an emergency situation, you can just pop into some bushes or an alleyway and take care of business.
If worse comes to worst and you have to poop en route, the least you can do is contain it. Find a plastic baggie, takeout food container, Amazon box, anything to do your business in, then dispose of it properly.
You know what? Fuck this shit. New York thinks it's so cool, but any city that doesn't respect the fact that humans need to poop and can't plan their lives around finding an appropriate venue to do so isn't a place where you want to live.
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