The Mandatory Dating Guide to Being With a Sober Person (And How Awkward It Is For Everyone)
So, you’ve met someone new that you like, but they’re sober. Although your immediate reaction is to silently scream “Yikes!” in your head, they’re hot enough that you’re willing to muscle through a conversation with a person who does not need social lubrication. Except, you know on some level it will never work. Even though you don’t get wrecked daily, you’re still a next-level party monster and they’re done with that shit. If the deafening crescendo of their sobriety still hasn’t scared you away, you’ll need help navigating this inevitable mess. And we’re here to help you do it. This is your guide to dating a sober person (and how awkward it is for both of you).
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Don't Get Wasted Right Out of the Gate
First dates can be pretty wild, but if you're dating a sober person, reign it in until after you have crazy-people sex. That'll get them hooked. Otherwise, they'll ghost you for being a drunken hot mess.
They'll Count Your Drinks
Sure, they say they don't care that you drink. However, you can't help but notice their disapproving scowl whenever you have more than three, which is obviously why you do shots whenever they go to the bathroom.
They Might Say, 'We Need to Talk'
Look, it's not like you have a problem. You can stop whenever you want, which is obviously not something they can do. That's why it's so annoying when they text you about how drunk you got and want to go over every goddamned embarrassing thing you did. Buzzkill.
Now You Want to Talk, Too
But only when you've been drinking. In fact, like the genius you are, you manage to circumnavigate all-important conversations unless you're drunk. That way, you don't even have to remember whatever-their-name-is complains about.
The Sex Is Surprisingly Good
Ah, yes. The tie that binds. When you're not avoiding all grownup conversations about your partying, you guys are screwing like you invented it. If the sex was any less good, you'd be forced to deal with the inevitable.
You Stop Drinking Around Them
So, it's come to this: you're secretly drinking with your friends. That'd be fine, except for when your sober date texts you asking what you're doing and you lie. So when they tell you to come over, and you do, they see that you're slam pig hammered.
It's Not You, It's How Much I Love Drinking
Seriously. After a while, you just have to get to the point. Avoiding your sober date to secretly drink with your friends is annoying. And your sober date's annoyance at how much you drink is even more annoying. One thing is for sure: you fucking love drinking more than you ever liked them.
After a few months of trying to make it work, they meet you for coffee early one morning. Your sunglasses don't hide the fact that you're hungover as fuck. So when they tell you they just want to be friends, you're relieved that you don't need to keep up this charade anymore.
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What’s been your experience dating a sober person? Or, if you’re the sober person, what’s it been like to date a drunk mess? Let us know in the comments!