Honest Timeline: Your First (Pathetic) Attempts at Rolling a Joint
There’s something artistic about the process behind rolling a joint. Just fill, roll, lick and smoke, right? Kind of like how you thought riding a bike would be easy until you ate shit and bled everywhere for a few weeks. This is because brilliant cannabis rollers aren’t born, they’re made, which is something you’ll learn after enough hours, frustration, and wasted weed. Anyone can seamlessly slap together marijuana, rolling papers and a mouthful of spit, but this honest timeline will show you how your first (pathetic) attempts will likely go instead.
Photo: Alina Rosanova (Getty Images)
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Watch YouTube video, seems simple enough. Fail miserably, then spend the next three hours watching more videos until you've deviated to porn and now you're tired.
Let's try again. Setting up your rolling space, which looks more like a meth lab. Pull out a fresh rolling paper and fill it with a decent amount of ground-up weed, something OG that will probably fuck you up worse than meth.
Massaging the weed into a tight roll, your hands seem to be doing the job of a magician. You got this.
5 Minutes Later
YouTube video says to "fold the paper into itself." Goddammit, that's maddening the insane! Probably shouldn't have smoked a whole other joint before starting.
Your fingers start sweating so much, despite no one around to judge you. Sweat causes the paper to stick to your hands and now you have to save the green and restart (sigh). No problem, you got this.
6 Minutes Later
Pause before crucial step to pack a bowl and calm the nerves. You psych yourself up [puts on "Eye of the Tiger"]. Retracing your steps, you fold, tuck, roll and holy shit! You rolled a...thin bent wiener of a doobie.
7 Minutes Later
Trying again...oh Christ, you licked the SHIT out of it!
1 Minute Later
Failing to pry the weed from its wet doobie cocoon, you give up and try to light it. Unsmokable. Pack it in a bowl and smoke that.
10 Minutes Later
Doorbell, it's your neighbor. Pack a bowl because, hey, you're a great host.
"Hey, can you show me again how you rolled a joint?" Following along step by step until you get tired and pass out.
48 Minutes Later
Wake up to find your neighbor stole all your weed and snacks. Better just get a preroll next time.
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What’s your joint rolling secret? Please tell us, we obviously need them. Sound off your knowledge in the comments!