Honest Timeline: Hosting This Year’s Fourth of July Party
The Fourth Of July is the perfect excuse to do exactly what you wanted to do this summer: get drunk and throw an impromptu rager. Because you’re an adult, you’ll skip the Facebook invite, opting instead to send out a series of group texts to people who don’t know each other. The night before, you’ll swing by the store to stock up on the three Bs: burgers, beers, and booze. Which, of course, you’ll start drinking the second you get home until you pass out. When you wake up the next day, it’s 30 minutes before your party. You make a pro move and temper your pounding hangover with a shower beer. This revives your body for the day’s extravaganza so you can focus on more important things, like celebrating America’s birthday. Here’s how it’s all going to go down.
Cover Photo: Jacob Lund (Getty Images)
Honest timeline: A Highly Accurate First Edible Experience
30 Minutes Before The Party
It's America's birthday and you've got a bit of a hangover from the pre-Fourth of July party you threw for yourself last night. But a hangover won't stop you from being the best goddamn host in America on the holiest of American holidays. You're sporting an American flag Speedo and had your first beer in the shower. You're primed and ready for someone to show up and man your grill.
1 Hour Into The Party
You've done a round of shots and are feeling American as fuck. You bring some people you may have just met to your bar inside the house and take out your nicest bourbon. You pour three giant shots and try to give the toast from Jaws. You fuck it up, but they laugh.
2 Hours Into The Party
A woman named Kimmy (or was it Kandi?) demands that you play "Party in the USA," because it's the Fourth of July. During this song, someone suggests you do a beer bong out of the traffic cone you stole while drunk-walking home last month. Kimmy-Kandi is very hot and thinks the idea is awesome. You rip the traffic cone bong from your friend's hands and do it like the great American hero you are.
3 Hours Into The Party
After a round of shots, your friend Kyle pukes in the trash can and passes out in the sun. Kimmy-Kandi says every Kyle she has ever met is annoying. You take out the hose and spray down your back patio. When you're done, someone takes out a joint and you think, "What the hell? It's my party and I deserve to enjoy myself."
3 1/2 Hours Into The Party
The sun's starting to go down and the heat is letting up. You're high and having the time of your life. You remember the food and finally turn the grill on. When you come back inside you find Kimmy-Kandi helping annoying Kyle do a parking cone beer bong even though he's so drunk he can barely speak English. Which means, you have to do another. Kimmy-Kandi thinks this is great. It is great...until you get the spins.
4 Hours Into The Party
Kyle's passed out in the grass. You think you're getting progressively higher, but honestly can't tell. You have to wonder if that weed wasn't laced with something. Someone takes over the grill for you so you can get some food in you. You consume more hot dogs than you thought humanly possible. You lie down in the grass next to Kyle and reconsider a lot of decisions you made on this day, the day of America's birth.
5 Hours Into The Party
You wake up to what sounds like Vietnam. The sun is down and the sky's on fire. That's when you realize you're actually in your back yard in the grass with people standing around you watching the sky light up with fireworks.
5 Hours and 5 Minutes Into The Party
You struggle to stand up, but your body refuses. Instead, you bring your left hand sloppily up to the side of your head to salute the sky. Then you pass the fuck out like a real American.
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What was throwing your first Fourth of July party like? Anything beautiful disasters we missed? Let us know in the comments!