Playing Hooky: Enjoy Summer With These Irrefutable Excuses For Calling Out Of Work
Honesty is a great policy and we really wish we could pull it off, but in today’s gig economy, you can’t chance being replaced. Which means, if you need time off, you’ve got to get creative. Regardless if the excuse is for your full-time job or one of your side gigs, your goal is to have your employer feel badly enough that they don’t question your absence. This way you don’t get in trouble or replaced. So fear not, lowly employee of the 99 percent, these tried and true excuses will afford you the time to chill out and enjoy what’s left of summer before the entire world engulfs into flames thanks to global warming.
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“I tried Korean barbecue for the first time last night.”
And obviously, you overdid it. You’re sweating in places you never knew possible, your clothes reek of meat despite being freshly cleaned, and you get the spins when you stand up. It could be the swine flu, but it’s probably just food poisoning. It’s seeping through your pores, too, and for your coworkers’ sake, it’s best you stay home before someone finds you locked in a bathroom stall praying for help.
“I dropped my phone in the toilet.”
We’ve all been there, even though we know that at the wrist-deep point in a public bathroom that the phone is not going to work again, we still keep hope alive. The only thing worse is going to the phone store and waiting for 2 hours. This excuse might be real, might not. But everybody has a failed mobile phone-bathroom experience in their lifetime. Today you just happen to be cashing it in.
“I’m passing kidney stones.”
For many unfortunate people this is actually something that happens, which knocks you on your ass. Nothing sounds more painful to people than kidney stones. Even pregnant women think it's a brutal form of physical punishment...and they give birth. If there is any doubt in people’s minds, you could offer to show them your kidney stones. Rest assured, no one will take you up on this.
“My car was stolen from my home, but the police think they might have a lead.”
The best excuses are crafted from the nightmares no one wants to have to deal with...like a stolen car. You can’t very well come in during a high-pursuit police investigation. Any minute the case could break wide open. It’s best you stand by and wait for their call so you can be on the scene in an instant, especially if they need you to do a police line-up or identify a body or a case of old compact discs, Lebowski style.
“I have to get an STD test.”
No. Questions. Asked.
“My 30th birthday was yesterday, and I had too much wine with dinner.”
A hangover isn't a hangover till the day you turn 30. And everyone a second older than 30 knows this. If your bosses are near or over the age of 30, they’ll understand if you had a rare celebratory drink and now you're literally crippled beyond repair. Saying you’re hungover in your early to mid-20s is completely inexcusable, but when you tell your boss you had more than two glasses of wine with dinner last night for your 30th birthday, it goes without saying you're a fallen solider who needs a minute in the infirmary.
“I took one tiny hit of medical marijuana last night but it turned out not to be marijuana.”
The best thing about marijuana being legal is usually that it's a cure-all. Except in this exact situation where some asshole failed to tell you the joint you were puff-puff-passing around was laced with PCP. Now you're a sweaty, hulking mess that cannot leave the house because your face is melting and Wayne Brady is your new God. But obviously, you'll be ready for work the following day because it was an accident and you're actually a professional, mostly.
“I just really need to be with my laptop today.”
Sure, your boss will wonder why you're in an intimate relationship with your laptop...or maybe they won't. Don't we all have days when we need to cuddle up with our favorite streaming service and blot out reality?