Jessica Simpson Is a Freak In Bed

In the upcoming issue of Playboy, John Mayer talks about Jennifer Aniston (“I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998”) and being a douchebag (“In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.”), but the he said something about having sex with Jessica Simpson and that other stuff just didn’t seem that important.

Us Magazine

He dubs 29-year-old Simpson (whom he dated from 2006 to 2007) “a drug.” “And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them,” he says, adding, “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.” “Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say,” he continues. “It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*****’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.'”

Section 1.1 of fat girls and chicks with low self-esteem handbook states that they have to jump on your dick like a ground ball, because they never know when they’re gonna see another one or they want you to tell them you love them. That’s why I only stick with hot girls. Although, I’m not gonna lie, it would probably be easier to get anal if I could bake cookies.