‘E.T.’ Actor Henry Thomas Caught Drunk Driving, Terrified to Phone Home
The long-awaited “sequel” to E.T. just dropped on Xfinity, and fans are freaking out. Sadly, E.T.’s return to the spotlight has already begun to cast shadows on his personal life. Though the beloved icon claimed in a recent interview that he is “no longer on the sauce,” Henry Thomas, the actor who plays Elliot, was coincidentally busted for driving under the influence at the same time E.T. was allegedly having a quiet night in “at home with my dog.” Thomas was discovered by police asleep behind the wheel at a busy intersection in Oregon.
Much in the same way he once became intoxicated while dissecting frogs in biology class, Thomas accepted all responsibility for his actions in an effort to protect his long-time friend from media scrutiny. But sources close to the alien report that E.T. has indeed fallen off the wagon after a 37-year stint in rehab, enticed by all the new commercial drugs available on-demand, particularly lemon shandies and fast-acting THC tablets. If the intergalactic gardener hopes to rebuild his crumbling relationship with his best bud, he’s going to need a whole lot more than a bag of Reese’s Pieces. So in the spirit of Christmas, we came up with some unsolicited advice for E.T. to help him get his act together.
Stop Binge Drinking
First things first. You have to stop drinking until you blackout. You're scaring the dog.
Run Your Own Errands
Don't make your friends be your errand boys just because you're too drunk to drive. If you want spicy chicken wings, go get them yourself.
Stop Being a Dick
You can catch more flies with honey, E.T. It's true. We've tried it.
Apologize to Those You Hurt
We're talking about a heartfelt apology so these wounds can truly begin to heal.
View the World Through Other People's Eyes
It's important to remember that you're not alone on this planet. A little bit of empathy for how you impact others can go a long way in understanding your own place in the cosmos.
Find a New Hobby
Consider taking a watercoloring class at the adult annex.
See a Therapist
Talking about your stuff with a trained mental health expert can really do wonders for your self-esteem. Don't be ashamed to express your emotions. Just let it all out.
Don't Hide Who You Are
It's OK to show the world who you really are. Let your flower blossom and you'll realize how much happier you can be without the weight of false expectations.
Go Back to Rehab
If it comes to this, we're not mad. We just want what's best for you, E.T. Take care of yourself in there, big guy, and don't forget to phone home.