Honest Timeline: Your First (and Futile) Attempt at a Hot Yoga Class
Photo: Yuri_Arcurs (Getty Images)
You’ve reached a low point in life where it’s obvious the spiritual, mental health and physical nature of your being all need serious, simultaneous maintenance. Instead of joining some weird fitness trend, you’ll keep it casual and try yoga. Hey, why not hot yoga? We’ll tell you why the hell not with an honest timeline for your first futile attempts.
Not only will you convince yourself you’re on track to pseudo-enlightenment, you’ll sweat more than you knew possible and most likely want to die afterward. Is this the path to enlightenment? Probably not, but before you namaste your way through your first yoga class, here’s what to expect. Now, let’s roll out that yoga mat, assume child’s pose and prepare to be told to “sit this one out.”
Preheating the Mat
Arrive 5 minutes early to something for once, congratulate yourself. Still, you're last to arrive so you get the spot with the obnoxious houseplant hitting you in the face.
5 Minutes In
Easing in with some simple stretches. Yoga is obviously easy, not sure what the big fuss is about. Working up a good lather, though.
10 Minutes In
Starting to warm up fast: "Hey, can somebody open a window in here?"
15 Minutes In
Watching people bend in ways you're not sure are safe. Is this thing almost over? Instructor says "OK, that's it for the warm-up!" Really starting to regret that burrito I had before walking in.
25 Minutes In
I can actually see the beer I drank last night pouring out of my face. Probably should've remembered to bring water.
30 Minutes In
My makeshift beach towel yoga mat is sopping wet. Maybe I'll go it on the hardwood floor.
31 Minutes In
Nope, that's a floor burn that's going to scar for life.
35 Minutes In
In between my blackouts, I hate everyone and everything in this room. Just stole my namaste neighbor's water, she's a deserving bitch for enjoying this.
Instructor asks us to center ourselves, inhale deeply and breathe out our deepest intentions, which is hard with puke on your arms. I'll be cancelling my free trial early.