Mystery Pooper In New Jersey Turns Out To Be School Superintendent

No Dog Feces Signboard On Tree Outdoors. Photo: Maya Ohev Ami / EyeEm (Getty)

Imagine getting expelled from school by this guy — a man who’s been deemed a mystery pooper.

According to the Asbury Park Press, Kenilworth Public Schools Superintendent Thomas Tramaglini is in deep shit (pun intended). Police arrested him for allegedly taking craps on the track and football field at Holmdel High School. This was happening on damn near a daily basis.

Tramaglini is still in charge of Kenilworth’s youth. It’s just that he’s currently taking a leave of absence. You know, the whole defecating in public thing rubbed some folks the wrong way.

mystery pooper, Thomas Tramaglini, new jersey

Photo: Holmdel Township Police Department

“He was a nice guy,” one neighbor said of Tramaglini. “Except for pooping on the field.”

Why Tramaglini would jeopardize his $147,504 a year job instead of using the toilet like the majority of human beings outside of India is unknown.  Our guess is he thought that since it was New Jersey, nobody would notice or care. Still, there were toilets available.

We’ll honestly use any excuse to post this: The Poopercut: Classic Movie Quotes Made Crappy

It turns out some people in Jersey actually do care about more than their artificial tans. They told police “that they were finding human feces at or near the track and football field on a daily basis.” Police then set up surveillance cameras and captured Tramaglini dropping trou before dropping a deuce. He returned to the track Monday morning, where police arrested him and eventually issued citations for public urination or defecation, discarding and dumping of litter and lewdness.

It’s unknown if Tramaglini will go with the “I’m a serious runner and this is what we do” defense. He can always fall back on the greatest defense of all time, courtesy of George Costanza, otherwise: