You love jokes and you love pizza, so the merging of the two seems like the best relationship since the combination of Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Plus, it is National Sausage Pizza Day, so this needed to happen even more. Here are some of the funniest pizza tweets from some truly hilarious people you should all be following. Enjoy!
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 31, 2012
I’m gonna name my kid Pizza so I can be like “I love you, Pizza” and “Time to eat, Pizza!” and “Your dad and I are getting a divorce, Pizza”
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) November 13, 2014
I just opened up a pizza box and the heat fogged up my glasses like some sort of nerd who saw something sexy
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) December 5, 2012
Sex is a lot like pizza. They’re both not very good at Sbarro.
— andy levy (@andylevy) March 10, 2014
ME: I’m only ordering 2 pizzas because they’re buy 1 get 1 free
PIZZA GUY: That special is over
ME: 2 pizzas please
— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) October 2, 2016
People dabbing the grease off their pizza: Give me those napkins, I’ll eat them.
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) March 12, 2014
Hey kids, know whats cool? When u grow up u can order pizza 2 nights in a row & nobody gets mad at u. Except ur wife. And ur doctor actually
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 10, 2016
HOT QUIRKY GIRL: i love pizza
ME: no freaking way
— everett byram (@rad_milk) August 7, 2016
The only thing that could possibly be more divisive than this election would be if we as a nation tried to order a pizza together.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 27, 2016
*calls up pizza place*
WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU’RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT’S WORKING
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 6, 2014
How to hit a woman’s G-spot:
1. Put her in the car.
2. Take her to Pizza Hut.
3. Order a-
Wait, sorry. This is how get her a P’zone.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) August 4, 2016
If you can’t tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno, then you shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) August 8, 2012
Not to get political, but people who use utensils to eat pizza should be in federal prison
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 30, 2016
Remember when kale was just decor on the Pizza Hut buffet?
— Princess Anús (@Slashleen) September 16, 2016
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie you’re dead man you just got hit by the moon that thing is huge
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) September 30, 2012
porn is so unrealistic who would have sex while the pizza was getting cold so stupid
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 31, 2012
Sex is like pizza: if you lower your standards enough, you can get it in 30 minutes.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 12, 2015
My favorite salad is the one where it’s on a pizza crust covered in meat and cheese and there’s no salad.
— Mae (@mzeld) June 9, 2012
the dominos app now has a voice ordering assistant. you can now order pizza, by speaking
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) October 14, 2014
I wish people wouldn’t refer to Pizza as “za” cause that’s how I refer to influenza.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) March 19, 2014
Life hack: as long as you never cut the pizza into slices, you can eat the whole thing and it’s technically one slice.
— Laura (@LauraLikesWine) August 27, 2016
[walks into pizza hut with a huge garlic stick sword] papa John sends his regards
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) July 1, 2016
Sex is like pizza, if you’re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you’re doing
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
(in bed with a woman)
Her: don’t be embarrassed it happens to all guys, relax
Me: I swear, every other time I’ve finished the entire pizza
— Todd Sports (@mattytalks) June 18, 2016
Life hack: make Mexican food at home by folding two slices of pizza together and calling it a quesadilla
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) June 26, 2016
Me: “I’m so tired. I need to eat pizza.”
Also me: “I am so tired from eating all that pizza.”
— GABY DUNN (@gabydunn) September 21, 2016
Place one pizza on top of another to create a Venn diagram showing the overlap between “Happy People” and “People Who Have Pizza”
— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) March 14, 2014
6:15 pm: i should definitely cook dinner tonight
6:16 pm: omg taco bell has delivery
6:17 pm: im gonna order pizza too and make them race
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 31, 2016
Shout out to Medium-Sized Caesar. No one talks about him ’cause he didn’t start a pizza chain and whatnot but he was a good person.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) July 24, 2016
My mom froze actual pizza, like fresh slices from a local pizza place, which should assure her a spot in the Mom Quarterfinals.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) July 8, 2016