Fat kids? Ew! Just kidding. We love fat kids, especially when they’re not ours and they’re in unforgettable film roles. For every great movie — holiday or otherwise — there’s an iconic chubby character who takes the bulk of the movie’s insults, yet still offers up hilarious servings of flatulence and out-of-shape, “Guys, wait for me!” scenes. And now, we’re going to do what every chubby kid loves — judge and rank them. Honorable mention goes to Russell, the round little boy scout from “Up,” who is unfortunately not a real actor.
Why wait on shining the light upon one of film’s most gluttonous overeaters, Augustus Gloop? The Willy Wonka character, played by Michael Bollner in the 1971 Gene Wilder film, drowned himself in a chocolate river, a fate many fat kids would deem worthwhile. Today, Bollner is a tax attorney in Munich, which couldn’t be much further from the chocolate factory.
The lovable curly-haired chubbo, Thurman Merman, just couldn’t help but snot things up his entire run through “Bad Santa,” one of the oddest Santa movies of all time starring Billy Bob Thornton as a dirty, alcoholic Santa Claus. That’s what happens when your name is Thurman Merman, but young actor Brett Kelly managed to work his way into some quality sequels, “Like Mike 2: Streetball” and “The Sandlot 2.”
It only seems fitting to include someone from Judd Apatow’s early ’90s camp film about fat kids trying to lose weight. Aaron Schwartz played Gerald, a chubby boy going up against Camp Hope’s Nazi leader, Tony Perkis, brilliantly played by Ben Stiller. Eh, pretty much every kid from that film could be on this list really, but little Gerry was more of the fat-kid ringleader. Since his portly days in film, Schwartz has made a name for himself in TV, namely a recurring role as Vanya on “Gossip Girl.”
Gold-berg! The doughnut-loving goalie from Emilio Estevez’s prime role as a community serving, hot shot lawyer turned pee wee coach is the one and only Greg Goldberg. Funny how the guy who was scared of the puck quickly became the goalie for the Junior Olympics Team U.S.A. Of the class of formerly fat celebrities who are now thin, Shaun Weiss is now a barely recognizable actor, starring in his own TV movie “What About Weiss” in 2013 as himself, along with several TV guest appearances since his days as a Duck.
Hamilton Porter or “Ham,” played by Patrick Renna, was one of the bunch from possibly the greatest children’s adventure films involving baseball and famous film dogs, “The Sandlot.” The sh*t-talking, bully-type catcher has continued to act, including work on “Boston Legal,” as well as doing voiceover roles.
Nobody knows the name or whereabouts of the fat kid from Billy’s Adam Sandler third-grade classroom, but that classic cheek-squeezing scene where Billy returns from high school to visit his old classmates only to warn them of the horrors of growing up is unforgettable in our hearts. “Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.”
The dead-on bullying big brother, played by Devin Ratray, is iconic in both its accuracy and its ability for a love-hate relationship with the character. Who can forget the pizza scene, “If you want any, somebody’s gonna have to barf it all up, ’cause it’s gone”? Or the classic “Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof.” Today, he’s still a consistent actor, most notably as a series regular for more than a decade on “Law & Order.” He’s the one formerly chubby kid everyone will likely see the face of this winter. Beat that, you little trout sniffer.
The Rob Reiner coming-of-age tale of four boys — starring Jerry O’Connell and Corey Feldman — on the hunt through the wilderness for a dead body features a young O’Connell as Vern, the staple ‘fraidy-cat, chubby pushover. Without characters like Vern, viewers would never see the real fears and emotions of children growing up. That, and we’d never see just how big of a bitch some big kids can be. Since then, Jerry has become a quasi-popular actor with steady work in films and shows like “Las Vegas” along with superhero voiceovers. But perhaps his biggest success was somehow managing to land and marry the flawless Rebecca Romijn.
Jeff Cohen, just one of a few celebrities with real jobs, was the most lovable chunky kid, aptly named Chunk in the famed 1985 treasure hunt, “The Goonies.” The Truffle Shuffle and other classic Chunk moments were just a few of the many chubby movie moments a young Jeff Cohen gave us. Nowadays, Cohen is a successful entertainment lawyer with degrees and a big boy job on the business side of the industry.
Two words: Thud. Butt. Quite a name you’ve made for yourself, Raushan Hammond, almost as impressive as the one given to you in Steven Spielberg’s classic “Hook” starring Robin Williams. Aside from the impressive role by Dustin Hoffman as the villainous Captain James Hook, Thud Butt won our hearts with his light, sweet voice from inside a round, perfectly rollable body. Little Thud Butt got his props in the end – literally – when Pan handed down the golden sword, leaving Mr. Butt in charge of the Lost Boys and Neverland. Hammond hasn’t had much work as an actor since a few ’90s TV star appearances, but he will always be Thud Butt to us.
